BB FANS

Channel 4 bosses were last night facing the wrath of viewers over the LACK of any degrading sexual shenanigans on their annual reality TV show 'Big Brother'.

During this year's series, viewers have enjoyed a glut of disgusting, attention-seeking sexual acts of debasement from this year's hapless housemates. The witless, oversexed contestants have performed a variety of perverted sex acts upon themselves, each other and various inanimate objects in the house.

The long list of lascivious lunacy includes the housemates: having sex in the pool on an hourly basis, in the toilet, the bedrooms, the garden (real and 'Secret'), the loft and even, especially, the diary room; desperate housemates faking not only orgasms but pregnancies; straight men pretending they are gay and gay men pretending they are straight; genitals being smeared with salad cream and then paraded in front of cameras; and contestants inserting innocent, terrified objects into every and all orifices available.

In a now infamous incident one housemate shockingly pulled a very scared little kitten from a nether region. The poor pussy had been smuggled into the house. When confronted by Big Brother in the Diary Room about this abuse, the housemate claimed that the kitten had actually been hidden in her 'weave'. Animal groups, Christian societies, and holders of Blue Peter badges were last night uniting to form an alliance against this televised depravity. They plan to storm the compound with the aim of destroying all traces of this year's affront to animal and human kind. But vegetables and mineral-based objects have also suffered from the immoral actions of this years visible village idiots.

One cucumber was too traumatised to speak to us but one brave, frightened gnome, who refused to be named for legal reason, said from his tractor: "I'm frightened to come out of the bushes, the lecherous lunatics in this asylum should be shot. At my age, it's just too much to take. When they aren't debasing each other, they grab the nearest object they can find to insert into each other or themselves. If my mate hadn't had flashing red eyes, he'd never have made it out of one dank hole he'd been cruelly thrust into. We know the inflatable dog will be seeking therapy as soon as he can. He's getting very deflated over it. He's not used to these blow-jobs, he and I were exhibits at the Chelsea Flower Show last year, and I can tell you, they aren't half as randy as this mad lot! Although the elderly and the clergy do like to fondle you know and then and whisper depravities to us when no-one else is around. But it was a picnic in the park compared to this job, it's a living Hell! I often want to stab my eyes out with a rusty trowell. I'll never come on Big Brother again, I'll be applying to be Chief Gnome at The Playboy Mansion next summer, it should be a welcome break."

But if the objects within the house are traumatised, the viewers are furious. Astonishingly the debauched degenerates who comprise the Big Brother audience are outraged that these incidents are TOO TAME! But what has really irked many viewers has been the hiatus in wh0ring that has fallen upon the house during a peaceful two hours.

After the housemates took a days break to recuperate before the next bout of sexual show-offery, viewers were jamming the Channel 4 switchboard COMPLAINING at the lack of sickening stunts and sexual horseplay.

One viewer, a Mr Blagman of Southampton said, "Frankly I am outraged, disgusted and indignant that the f^ckwits in there don't perform 24/7. I want to see 'round the clock' horniness and sexual self-humiliation. I have the decency to watch this show 24/7, alone, in a dank cell, and yet between 13 housemates, they cannot provide me with a constant stream of vulgarity and debauchery to keep me titilated and in a continual state of arousal. They even put in an extra 3 housemates! But the added breast fondling and acts of mast^rbation have frankly been 'too little, too late'. I am furious with Channel 4 and shall be writing to my MP in the morning. In anticipation of this year's show, I have wasted £2,000 of good money on 800 boxes of Kleenex tissues and I've only worked my through half of that total. Alright, it wasn't my money, but that's hardly the point is it? And that's the problem! This year, my point has hardly been hard at all!!!"

We asked a Channel 4 or Endemol spokesperson to comment on these complaints but none were available for to speak to us. The cleaner who answered the phone at '***** House', Channel 4's new £2 billion purpose-built media centre told us: "Sorry love. There's no-one here but us cleaners. All the suits have gone down the bank with their wheelbarrows overflowing with cash, laughing like gurgling drains. When will they be back? I don't know duckie, they said something about visiting a Ferrari show-room together later and then holding a p!ss-up in a brewery. But I tell you something me dear, by the looks and sounds of them, I doubt any of them could do that. Not if their programs are anything to go by. Me and my Bert only ever watch ITV or Channel X now, that Dutch stuff really gets us in the mood. We can't be doing with that foreign muck they usually put on Four. Have I told you about my grandkids??? Hello? Hello?"

Here at HairyPalms.co.uk we demand of Channel 4 and Endemol: Clean up your act!