DEREK: I HATED THEM ALL
GAY Derek Laud told The People last night he found all the men in the Big Brother house repulsive - and the only person he fancied was HIMSELF.
Following his eviction on Friday, tough-talking Tory Derek, 40, said: "There were no good looking men.
"I would rather look forward to an early retirement in Baghdad than bed one of those guys.
"The only person I would fancy in there would be me."
Derek also revealed that he:
-COPED with his frustration by imagining being straight.
-LOVED fondling Kinga's 36DD breasts - the first ones he had ever touched.
-HATED most of his fellow contestants.
-FANTASISED about spanking Maxwell.
He went on: "I had hoped Big Brother would provide me with a hunk to look at, or even play with, but alas it wasn't to be. The boys just weren't up to scratch. I was very disappointed. To take my mind off it I imagined myself as a heterosexual.
"I really loved Kinga's boobs. They felt really nice. They were magnificent and almost worth turning straight for.
"I think about using them as a pillow as they are so bouncy. They are real as well."
Posh-spoken fox hunter Derek admitted eyeing up football fan Maxwell's bottom. He said: "I didn't fancy Maxwell but I should've patted him on the bottom when he was extremely naughty.
"If he really wants me to pat him, I'll see him at the final. You had to get some enjoyment in there. It was awfully frustrating without anything going on."
As Derek's own sexual frustrations built up, he was amazed to see Kinga pretending to relieve hers with a wine bottle on Thursday.
He said: "What I didn't understand is that people like me had been in the house for weeks, and we all felt sexually frustrated - but she had just come into the house.
"I thought, 'She's got a bad sex life if she has to play with a bottle on day two'."
Outspoken Derek made enemies on the show with his harsh confrontations and arguments with housemates.
He had run-ins with all contestants except Eugene, Kinga and Roberto.
But he insisted that he was actually calmer than his usual self. And he dismissed the others with the comment: "I've never met such a bunch of w*****s. They are very vain people who do like being watched.
"I don't think any of them are people of real courage or principle. They go with the flow.
"What make me stick out from the crowd is that I tend to say what I think, without fear or favour. I warned the producers that I'm not a man to be crossed.
"But I think I was very restrained in that house. I don't regret anything that I did say.
"Most of the girls were forgettable. Orlaith is a waste of space, revolting.
"She's the only woman I know who'd make any erection go flat.
"Orlaith would top my list of the most loathsome housemates - she'd fill the top five places.
"Makosi is a two-faced bitch who we don't actually know anything about. Sam was forgettable. I can't even remember anything she did on the show. I didn't talk to Vanessa because she was sleeping so much.
"Saskia was dull. She was very aspirational but she came in with veils on, which were unmasked.
"I did like Kinga because she was so energetic and Lesley was good because she always spoke her mind.
"But I'm not gonna be best friends with anyone on that show."
Derek said he felt sorry for camp crimper Craig, who has lusted after dancer Anthony. And he accused Anthony of leading Craig on.
He blasted: "I don't think it's Craig's fault.
"He's not a stalker, if anything it's the other way around. Wherever Craig goes, Anthony follows him and I don't think that is fair.
"Craig is a young man who is discovering himself and for him to come out on screen in front of millions is a very brave thing.
"Anthony hasn't made it any easier for him. The truth is, Anthony would be lost if Craig went. He couldn't do without him. Craig even washes his clothes. It's bizarre."
Derek, who wrote speeches for former PM Margaret Thatcher, even likened his time on the show to being in PRISON.
He explained: "Being locked up in there isn't good, particularly with housemates you don't like.
"To be out is the best birthday present I could have. I've got over that prison wall. I now know how Nelson Mandela felt."
He also revealed that he wants super-geek Eugene to bag the £100,000 BB prize.
"Derek said: "Eugene absolutely should win. The thought of any of those other people winning is too much for me to think about
"He is eccentric and barmy, a good role model for the young. He exudes decency and kindness."
Derek entertained housemates with quiz games - and admitted he would love be the next Anne Robinson with his own game show. "I wouldn't dress up as a ginger tom though," he added.
He dismissed suggestions that he might move into politics and joked: "It's sad that I'm more popular than the Tory Party.
"I hope my children's stories will get published. I'm off on holiday to Sardinia and I'm not even sure I'll make the final next week."
He insisted: "I couldn't give a s*** about not winning. A hundred grand is not that much. I have had a lot more money. A lot more."
But despite his attacks on Big Brother, Derek admitted: "It's an experience I will always remember. It was difficult and it challenged me."
He became the 10th housemate booted off the show when 58 per cent of the public voted for him.
-IF Derek did make it as a politician or writer he could be back on telly. BB host Davina McCall said he could be invited on a new series of Celebrity Big Brother next January.
People
