Recipe For Disaster
You will need:-
1 slice of man meat.
160lb of man breast.
A dash of popular culture.
2 slabs of cash.
A shovelful of mixed feelings.
A pint of lust (unrequited is best).
Two contrasting hairstyles (I recommend Lego, or Playmobil).
A pinch of controversy.
A selection of seasonal veg.
A hairpiece.
200g man points.
Mint.
Secret Garden Sauce
A reasonable human being.
2 irish chicken fillets.
A bottle of wine.
Take slices of man meat, and the man breasts, and marinade in the dash of popular culture, the contrasting hairstyles and the pinch of controversy. Then place in glass bowl. Add the lust, the mixed feelings, the hairpiece, and the selection of seasonal veg.
Heat to boiling point, (a few cacti spikes added at this stage should help bubble the pot along) and reduce to a simmering level. Continue basting all man meat throughout. Where possible, cover the man meat before basting. Occasionally, give the pot a stir. Every week, give the pot a stir, and remove one of the seasonal veg according to taste. Occasionally throw in a mint or two, or a few of the man points. Adding a splash of water at this stage is optional.
After five weeks, make some of my special Secret Garden Sauce.
Reduce the wine from the sauce and blend the leftovers with the original mixture in the glass bowl.
After eleven weeks of cooking, continuing to stir throughout, remove the man breasts just before the end of the cooking time. Be careful, premature separation of the meat and breast can cause excess moisture to seep from the meat and infiltrate the mixture.
By this stage, everything should have reduced down nicely and there should only really be the wine, the hairpiece, the reasonable human being and the slice of man meat left. Throw in a big slab of cash. Sit back and wait for mixture to erupt.
At this stage, part of the mixture may go green. This is to be ignored, it is perfectly normal. You should also make sure that the reasonable human being has absorbed the big slab of cash properly after the event.
At this stage, simmer for a futher 48 hours. Allow to mope for brief periods. Then build to one final boiling point, removing the wine and the hairpiece. The reasonable human being will step out of the pot when its appropriate, and the man breasts should be returned to the pot now. Dress with accoutrements and serve to a hungry crowd with a hint of bay.
Should be eaten within the first fifteen minutes. Will quickly go stale.
I'm sorry. Please let me know when its safe to come back. I couldnt help myself... 
so the rumours were true, the pink jumper gave it away really.
