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He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
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