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POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily,
until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also,
must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from
zero
to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously
sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
must
have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages
and
mental outlooks. Must be willing g to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing
of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final,
complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities
also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so
that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college
will
help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and just wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you play your cards right.
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Excellent Madeline!