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I lent my brother £20 last week. Turns out I'm now the UK's fifth biggest lender.
Cadburys is to launch a chocolate bar you don't have to pay for until next year. It will be called the Credit Crunchie.
Marks and Spencers are to merge with Poundstretchers. The new stores will be called Stretch Marks.
Poundland is to restructure for the recession and will be called '50p Land'.
Northern Rock is to be rebranded Northern Pebble.
Bank Managers are to concentrate on the Big Issues. They'll all be out on the street selling them next week.
The Isle of Dogs bank collapsed today. The retrievers have been called in.
The Origami Bank has folded, and 5,000 staff got the chop at the Karate Bank.
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A quarter-pounder with fries, please.
A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.
Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Are they being ironic?
You know it's a credit crunch when the ATM cash machine asks if you can spare any change.
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