>NEW DISEASE BREAKOUT - B.A.R.S.
>
>The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about
>BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).
>
>A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world.
>The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome)
>affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland
>in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and
>Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is
>transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected,
>with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
>
>Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to
>consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on
>Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly,
>singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even
>towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and
>unprovoked arguing.
>
>In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak
>incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing
>and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually
>accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or
>"Wanna see how fast it goes??"
>
>If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine
>yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms
>have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very
>short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday. Side effects for
>survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches
>and divorce.
>
>On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
