Thanks to Niki for the link that made this possible
here. All I did was put in the names and various other little bits of information and this is what it generated. I couldn't read this at work because it made me laugh too much! I have emailed everyone "involved" and no-one minds that I post this. Enjoy.
Big Brother!
Day 1 - Alex admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Ally. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Niki is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Ade later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Jon creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Lyns hits him with a whisk.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Empire State Building out of mince. After much persuasion by Jon, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Empire State Building task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Ade, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat b*****d in the house, eats half the mince. Lyns is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Empire State Building task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Ade farts and blows Empire State Building over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Ally cries.
6 - Jon gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Ally admits that she likes to be spanked on the bum with a whisk. Niki goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual b******s. Ade sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Jon.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Alex goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Lyns and Ally are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Alex.
9 - Lyns and Ally are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Niki sings them a song - Agadoo - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Ally out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Ally leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Ally's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Niki has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Lyns is visibly depressed and is comforted by Jon, who tries to touch her on her boob.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Jon touching Lyns's boob over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Ade refuses to run because his b**ls hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Ade finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Alex tells everyone individually that he thinks Lyns is a *****. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Lyns and Jon are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Alex.
16 - The nominations are announced. Lyns can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Jon is equally stunned and turns to Lyns for comfort. Ade is distraught and confesses to Niki that he thinks he is in love with Jon. Niki says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Jon out of the house. Lyns says she is gutted and even gives Jon a clipping of hair from her boob to prove how much she cares. Ade is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Jon leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Lyns clipping the hair from her boob. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Azerbaijan in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Azerbaijan sounds like but Ade says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Alex as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Alex successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Azerbaijan but also God Save The Queen, Agadoo and the theme tune to Wife Swap. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Alex tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Ade and Niki are nominated.
23 - Ade and Niki take their nominations well and sit down with Alex and Lyns to discuss why they voted for them. Alex keeps quiet but Lyns accuses Ade of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred b*****d before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Niki out of the house and nobody really gives a s**t. Niki leaves.
25 - Alex becomes the first housemate to have a w**k. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Alex's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a w**ker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of tiger dung using only a whisk. Alex is unsure but Ade is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Ade breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the tiger incident from his childhood. Lyns tries to persuade him to stay but Alex sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Ade decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the tiger dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pi**ed on some vegetable wine, made by Lyns from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Alex asks Lyns to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Alex nominates Lyns to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Lyns.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Lyns graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Alex is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Alex takes his £70,000 and runs away to Azerbaijan. Nobody, including Lyns, ever sees him again.
