BB FANS

WHEN Alan Partridge pitched his programme ideas to the Commissioning Editor of the BBC, he included Arm Wrestling with Chas & Dave and Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank.

Funny and - as it turns out - way ahead of his time.

ITV's Saturday viewing figures have confirmed that no-one wants cheap reality stuff. But ITV just can't seem to make any other kind.

All the well-made reality shows have been on Channel 4 (Jamie's Kitchen, Big Brother, Location Location, Wife Swap) or the BBC (The Apprentice, Changing Rooms, Strictly Come Dancing). While virtually all ITV can offer are poor imitations no one watches.

What ITV fail to realise is that Z-list celebrities are Z-list for a reason - NO ONE LIKES THEM.

They only appeal at all in small doses - like twice a year in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - and only then if something horrible is happening to them (The Farm).

ITV's line-up on Saturday was a disaster -- Hit Me Baby One More Time nonentities or Leilani Dowding hitting Annabel Croft with a giant Q-Tip on Celebrity Wrestling.

These people are daytime fodder at best, not Saturday prime time.

Hell's Kitchen without Gordon Ramsay was dull and Millionaire is simply not worth staying in for.

The lack of ideas or ambition on ITV is shocking. By comparison, the BBC's schedule - Strictly Dance Fever, Dr Who, Casualty and Match of the Day - looks more like a proper night's family viewing.

And next week's 90-minute Ultimate Force special with Ross Kemp ain't gonna revive things.

Saturdays are increasingly becoming the night to watch a DVD.

The popularity of events at The Crucible, meanwhile, suggests ITV will be giving another one of Partridge's ideas a go any day now.

Anyone for monkey snooker?

and there were those dodgy photos which didn't help our boys and girls out in I-raq

Oh your so right those pics may have costs lives, and makes me disgusted whenever his smug grin is shown on TV

ITV used to have Saturday night all stitched up. Until, that is, bosses went into rubbish reality mode and the BBC exterminated the opposition with Doctor Who and the Daleks.

In the fight between the Time Lord and some blonde babes grappling each other, The Doctor obliterated his busty opposition last week.

With an audience of around three million compared to BBC's eight million, ITV was against the ropes. So will this Saturday see the station's submission or knock-out? Weekend family entertainment used to be ITV's real strength.

Nice, entertaining telly that we knew was silly but that we didn't mind switching our brains off for. After all, it was just a few hours on a Saturday night and a few beers or couple of glasses of wine meant the entertainment washed pleasantly over us.
Blind Date, The Generation Game, Parkinson, anything with Ant and Dec. They weren't great, but they were watchable. Before that, it was the glory days of Bruce Forsyth and Jimmy Tarbuck doing old-style family theatre kind of stuff. Again, something for everyone.

Last week, ITV's Saturday night ratings plunged to less than three million during the evening. Suddenly the nation gave up their number three button habit and discovered the delights of another side, or worse still, switched the goggle box off completely.

The problem was that the TV dross was pure reality television, and very poor at that.

Kate Lawler and Victoria Silvstedt grappling was not enough to win fans for Celebrity Wrestling last weekend. This Saturday's bout featuring Silvstedt and page three model Leilani Dowding is unlikely to get any better.........