---------- Could someone please dump brash Janice in the swamp?
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I AM absolutely NOT watching I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! this year.
I am not, I am not, I am not! Oh, I say this every year, but yet again I made the mistake of tuning in on day one and was once again immediately snared by the lure of the jungle.
Now I’ll just have to keep watching to see how, in the best traditions of the programme, they’re getting along with each other. After all, we do love watching the humiliating torments of others from the flabby comfort of our armchairs, with a glass of beer or gin and tonic in hand. What fun!
Of course, there’s always the danger that the formula can become stale. No matter how many changes are made and how horrendous the trials become (presumably there’s a limit beyond which “elf ’n’ safety” will not let them go) the programme could get repetitive.That’s where the contestants come in. Day one and they all arrive in the jungle. Having seen celebs parachuted and bungeed in before, it doesn’t grip you seeing it once again. We know it’s scary (unless like me you enjoy that sort of thing), but if I hear someone scream “oh my Gaaahd” once more I’ll scream.
So far none of the trials seems much worse than anything gone before — they’re all variations on a tried, trusted and sadistic theme.
Can things really get much worse than eating eyeballs, testicles or anuses — or being covered in slime, rats, cockroaches, snakes and spiders? Perhaps they can and time may tell.
I do wish some of the pre-series hype had been true and we were seeing Paris Hilton covered in vomit fruit. Sadly, with hindsight there was never a serious possibility that precious little darling would allow such humiliating exposure.
In common with many I knew little about the contestants last week — I hadn’t even heard of half of them. But by the end of the series they’ll be household names in a scary number of homes so let’s have a look at them.
JANICE DICKINSON. Crumbs alive! And there was me thinking sharing the jungle with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was tough. Janice makes Janet Street-Porter seem like Mrs Tiggywinkle. A brash, opinionated loudmouth, she’s the grit in the oyster and provides much of the friction and entertainment. But I think I’ve had enough. Could someone please dump Janice in the swamp and hold her down until the bubbles stop? When repeatedly voted to do a trial she whinged, “What’s wrong with the British public?” Nothing, darling — but everything that surgery can’t fix is wrong with you.
GEMMA ATKINSON. There’s some eye candy for the boys who’ll know her well from the lads’ mags. It took her about five seconds to get stripped off and under the jungle shower a la Mylene Klass. She has the same sweet, girl-next-door quality (dream on boys) and I like her. She’s not faced a tough trial yet but if she proves plucky under pressure and ducks all the flying egos she could win.
JASON BROWN. He’s made it clear he’s single and on the lookout for love but so far he hasn’t had a look-in with the girls, despite being fit in all senses of the word. He has, however, behaved like a perfect gentleman but he’ll have to do something to grab some attention or he’ll be out.
RODNEY MARSH. I don’t know anything about football (except Posh and Becks were our next-door neighbours in Cheshire), so I didn’t know who he was, but clearly he has a big fan base which includes the delectable Jilly Cooper. When the two camps — Snake and Croc — merged he brilliantly showed his displeasure by mooning at the camera. Fortunately his derriere was obscured for the more sensitive viewers. A chauvinist pig, I don’t think he’s joking all the time.
LYNNE FRANKS. She seemed fairly sane to start with and I thought maybe she’d carry the banner for middle-aged, civilised women. But she’s not doing us any favours at all. Her extraordinary efforts to lead the camp in loopy, weird dance routines just caused helpless mirth and she seemed oblivious that they were all laughing — at and not with her. Janice called her a shrew but I couldn’t possibly comment. She must be a candidate for first out but, following the Edwina Currie-on-Hell’s Kitchen principle, if she’s annoying the others let’s leave her in.
MARC BANNERMAN. He got off to a flying start by winning the first trial but it was a walkover. He was up against Janice who jacked out at the mere mention — never mind sight — of an eel. He has an eye for the ladies and, sensible guy, he’s fallen heavily for Cerys, twice (that we’ve seen) getting into her bunk for cuddles. “I hope this won’t be misconstrued,” he confided in Biggins while hoping his girlfriend would understand because “this is my experience”. Look out Marc, she’s on her way to Oz. Carry on like this and she’ll burst into camp with a meat cleaver.
CERYS MATTHEWS. As a fellow Welsh “babe” (give or take a few decades), I was rooting for Cerys before she went in. A recently divorced mum-of-two, she’s a delightful “do-er” who wants to get on with everyone (some more than others) and admits to being a “Jane” looking for her “Tarzan”. She could win quietly but needs to face a trial to prove her worth.
ANNA RYDER RICHARDSON. Anyone hoping to pick up some tips from the former Changing Rooms star as she redecorated camp will have been disappointed. I haven’t seen her so much as move a palm leaf, but her pantomime performance with John was fabulous. She looks enchanting with her freckles and pigtails and could do well, but what should you make of someone who calls her daughters Bibi Belle and Dixie Dot?
JOHN BURTON RACE. My goodness, he scoffed the lot without a murmur — a bravura performance! (Note to self: never eat at one of JBR’s restaurants again — he seemed rather too partial to those witchetty grubs.) He gets a bit testy about his cooking so expect more fireworks from him. He’s not a chef for nothing and Lynne and Janice are really getting on his griddle.
KATIE HOPKINS. The former Apprentice and self-proclaimed “biggest bitch in Britain” seems to be playing a long game, standing back, watching, absorbing. She apparently hates “people from the north” so her encounters with Ant & Dec should be interesting. Oh, she also hates fat people, so look out Lynne! But braving 20,000 cockroaches in a coffin must have been pretty tough. As she will have found — they get everywhere!
CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS. A life-enhancer with a huge belly laugh and all-round good egg. “Biggy” burst into camp as a late arrival, blinking and looking hysterical in his baggy shorts. But it was Janice’s hysterics he had to deal with and he calmly got on with the trials she flunked and was welcomed by all as camp jester. Lynne was right. He is a “real cream cake of a man” and his arrival gave them all a new lease of life.
The SUNDAY POST
