There are thousands of talentless people desperate for fame in the world. And they have an outlet -
Big Brother. And there are loads of famous people who want to raise their profile. Their outlet is
I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Here! But what about the others, those who fall between these categories?
There are a group of people who are not celebrities as such, but sometimes their face or name sparks a tiny feeling of recognition. Perhaps they were in a magazine once or something. They want to be more famous, but they're not allowed on a big reality show like I'm A Celebrity. If they want to up their profile, they have to be punished.
And that's why God invented Celebrity Wrestling .
The show is the latest addition to the Saturday night ITV lineup, which seems like it is trying to break some kind of record for the biggest number of shiny-floored prole-stroking honking clapalong TV shows in a row.
Last week saw You've Been Framed, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Hit Me Baby One More Time (results) and Madonna Mania come one after the other; not so much entertainment as televisual carbon monoxide poisoning.
Back to the wrestling. There must have been no shortage of applicants dying to get atomic dropped in exchange for the smallest amount of recognition, maybe a front cover of Heat or a crappy workout video.
The powers that be at ITV chose a winning line up for Celebrity Wrestling. hecklerspray will provide a small explanation next to their names, in case you don't know who they actually are. We'll start with the men first...
Marc Bannerman (used to be in Eastenders, was a Di Marco brother. Not Beppe)
Oliver Skeete (the black showjumper, was on Pebble Mill once, appeared in the last James Bond film for a nanosecond)
Iwan Thomas (1999 'haircut of the year' winner, runs for a living)
Mark Speight (the Borgmaster in CITV's 'Beat The Cyborgs')
Jeff Brazier (reality TV veteran: Shipwrecked, The Farm, Frightened And Famous - knocked boots with Jade Out Of Big Brother)
James Hewitt (official tabloid 'love rat', has seen Princess Diana's mimsy)
And the women...
Annabel Croft (played tennis last millenium, hosted The Interceptor 16 years ago)
Michelle Heaton (was in Popstars, not good enough to be in Hear'Say, now in Liberty X)
Kate Lawler (was in Big Brother once. And RI:SE, until it got cancelled)
Leilana Dowding (topless model and mostly unsuccessful TV presenter)
Victoria Silvstedt (see above explanation)
Jenny Powell (used to be on Wheel Of Fortune, now acts as a kind of stand-in for poorly daytime TV presenters)
Apparently, the Celebrity Wrestling contenders have been training hard with professional wrestlers to get themselves into top condition for the show, but the reason most people watch will be to see a girl accidentally pull off another girl's top.
hecklerspray is going to wait until Celebrity Wrestling has been broadcast before we judge it. It could easily turn out to be the tawdry lowest common denominator plebfest most people are expecting of it, but it could also be a genuinely entertaining spectacle. It is being co-presented by Rowdy Roddy Piper, after all.
And we can't wait for all the playground injuries from kids wanting to be Annabel Croft.
Hecklerspray
