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Skately: I'd love a reunion

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Sun

Shelley Vision
CELEBS ARE NO SKATE SHAKES


THIRTEEN million people watched last year's final of Dancing On Ice. Personally, I wasn't one of them.

Watching people who CAN ice-skate is bad enough. Watching a load of Z-list celebrities who had no talent in their chosen careers in the first place FAILING to ice-skate was even less appealing.

But now I realise why so many people love it.

The likes of Ulrika Jonsson, Kay Burley or Dr F***ing Fox probably think we all sit there saying, "ooh, how brave" or "doesn't she look lovely!".

In fact, we sit there going, "look at that hideous dress she's wearing!", "can you believe how rubbish he was?!" or laughing when they fall and crack a rib.

From this point of view, Saturday night's opening episode of the ITV series was excellent.


Celebrities who were even worse than you could have imagined/hoped for included...

1) Stephen Gateley - too weedy to lift up his stick-insect of a partner.

2) Louise the Desperate Dan-jawed barmaid from Emmerdale (not as pretty in her outfit as she thought she was) - being hurled around by her partner like Miss Piggy from The Muppets.

And 3) Kay Burley, the ugly sister of the piece, whose desperation to win was so strong that it practically oozed out of the screen.

4) I also enjoyed Lee Sharpe's gorgeous partner Frankie Poultney sobbing after they made it through to next week's show. Moving to the aptly-titled I Don't Feel Like Dancin', Sharpie was totally stiff - and his dancing wasn't up to much either.

On the other hand, the things that I hated about this show were myriad...

1) Phillip Schofield's voiceovers - describing ridiculously minor injury scares as if the celebs had contracted cancer or sighing at their efforts to learn how to ice-skate as if they were blind orphans from Rwanda learning to read.

"Lisa will spend a gruelling 150 hours on the ice," Schofield said with awe, as if she were being dropped by helicopter in the arctic wastelands. (Not a bad idea, as it happens.)

2) The "risk" factor was totally overstated. Example? Lisa Scott-Lee tearfully coping with being lifted into the air by her trainer, despite being "afraid of heights". Heights!?!

3) Commentator Tony Gubba's impersonation of Alan Partridge. "Teapots, Fish Lifts and a Wraparound," he chuckled. "It sounds more like a menu than a skating programme!" Stop it, Tony. You're killing us.

4) Dr F***ing Fox - the man who once claimed on Brass Eye that paedophiles "have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me". What is this chump doing on television? Is it because ice-skating is the only form of television where the make-up department makes the contestants more orange?

5) Kay "Horseface" Burley began by swearing at her trainer Fred Palascak. You can take the girl out of Wigan etc. All the airs and graces she obviously adopts for reading the autocue on Sky News fell away. Soon she was behaving more like Cilla from Coronation Street.

She "danced" to Blondie's Heart Of Glass but Heart Of Stone were the words that sprang to mind... or Thighs Of Thunder. Palascak's hernia-induced lifts were to be commended.

For the so-called "skate-off", Burly Burley wore the fixed grin of someone determined not to give her colleagues at Sky the satisfaction of being able to laugh at her for being first off.

Finally, there was Ulrika. Or, judging by the way she looked without her make-up, Ulrika's mum.

"Ulrika, looked good in that horizontal layout," Gubba purred.

But then, she's had enough practise, hasn't she?
Mirror

Jeez there are so many bitter people around??!! Whatever happened to live and let live?? Heart attacks waiting to happen if you ask me. Getting riled up about something that really isn't important in the grand scheme of things and not personal. I'd rather focus on my family and friends and get on with life that personally. Just my humble opinion. I'm sick to death of people getting riled about something that isn't important.

*gets down off of soapbox before I hurt myself*

Agreed Scotslass and I'm surprised at the vitriol the writer of this piece shows for something quite so trivial as a harmless family viewing programme. And I really don't see what the prettiness of size of any of the participants thighs have to do with the entertainment value of this programme. I watched it with all my kids and they loved it. It's just a bit of fun.

it's a grate show, and even if you don't watch for the celebrities, younger viewers can watch for the dancing can't they?

I drank whiskey before skating Sun

27 January 2007
JASON PUTS THE BOOT IN BEST FOR WEEKEND TV


HE'S the Simon Cowell of the rink with a tongue as cold and cutting as an ice-skate blade.

Mirror

27 January 2007
JUDGE'S ICY VERDICT ON SKATING CELEBS


STEPHEN GATELY

I CHOREOGRAPHED Stephen and have immense respect for him for coming out. He's a sweet, almost innocent thing, like a kitten. But the only way he'll win is if all the others break both their legs.

PHIL GAYLE

HE looks simple, like the village idiot, when he's concentrating so needs to train with a mirror. I hope he gets rid of that dumb a** ed look on his face.

KAY BURLEY

KAY is the oldest woman and tried to turn on some cutesy charm. I told her she had a demented smile. Someone along the way told Kay she has a really big smile but omitted to say it was ugly.

LEE SHARPE

ALL he's thinking is: "My mates are watching this." He's trying to be too cool for school and it's annoying me. He's too self-conscious and needs to forget he's in sequins and commit himself to the show.

EMILY SYMONS

SHE sizzled. But she has "duck's disease" - she has very short legs and her a**e is too close to the ground. And she has no neck - she's just a head on shoulders. But she needs to become an elegant swan.

CLARE BUCKFIELD

CLARE has something that will take her far in this competition - likeability. Torvill and Dean haven't taught her that. There are rumours she's had skating lessons before. The bitch! I love it!

KYRAN BRACKEN

HE has had extra lessons this week - good on him, that's the right attitude. On the ice he's like a toddler with elephantitis. He needs to be more elegant. At the moment he's a bit of an oaf.

ULRIKA JONSSON

ULRIKA has a very masculine neck - she holds a lot of tension there. She's very rigid and looks like a seesaw when she stretches out her legs and back. She's carrying a lot of stress and has self-image issues.

DUNCAN JAMES

HE'S going to be a real heartbreaker in this competition. He has a great face but he has terribly stumpy legs - he looks like he has callipers on.

LISA SCOTT-LEE

WE'RE not allowed to criticise costumes but Lisa's was atrocious. If you look like s**t how can you convince people you're great? I don't think she knows who she is and what she's all about - and that really is a tragedy. Mirror

Tonights program live.


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I'm really enjoying this, especially the Russian judge. I can't understand a single word she says, but love listening to her anyway.

I didn't watch it last year so it's a first for me. (well last week was) They have to learn a difficult skill pretty quickly and I would imagine it is technically quite tricky so I admire them for that.

Stephen Gately just isn't up to it bless him. His routine is so tame compared to many of the others.

He used to teach dance, so I thought he would of taken to this like a duck to water.

Clare Buckfield is outstanding, she just seems so natural at it!

If she has a natural sense of balance on the ice then it'll be a lot easier to learn skating. But the stunts are amazing considering she isn't a dancer even with the rim injury.

I still remember the first time I did any skating. The school had a firm that used the artificial ice and had the gym converted for a day. So in the games lesson we all got kitted out with skates and an instructor took everybody ,one at a time ,around a set route. I must admit that I certainly used to have a very good sense of balance. So come my turn I got on the ice and just followed the instructor to which he asked if I'd skated before but I hadn't.

I was lucky and even in the evening skating I remained upright .Learning to stop as harder.
Wish we'd had somewhere locally to skate as it's something I've always loved. Closest we got around here was a hall that did rollerskating on a Friday night which I did for a couple of years before it closed down. It was a good form of exercise.

If you do a search on either Google Video or YouTube you can find plenty of the skating from the show. Both this series and the first one.

I love seeing behind the scenes pre-show and the rehursals on the direct satellite feed. Shame it doesn't show the ITV2 show on there but it changes to the Ant and Dec show as the Skating finishes.

I tried to get tickets for last years final but think they'd gone a few weeks a head.

Lisa fears dancing on ass!
03/02/07
SEXY Steps babe Lisa Scott-Lee has banned her mum from watching tonight’s Dancing On Ice in case her performance is a Tragedy.

The singer is set to do a daring new routine called The Sweep Of Death with her partner Matt Evers.

The breathtaking stunt will see Lisa, 31, being lifted above 28-year-old Matt’s shoulders and then swept head-first by the arms around his body.

The routine is particularly scary for the popster as she is terrified of heights and frightened about being dropped.

She said: “My mum will have a fit when she sees it.

“I’ve just got to trust in Matt and myself that I can do it.

“I really want to show the judges I am capable of doing this stuff.”

Lisa is not the only one fretting. Sky News host Kay Burley, who suffered a black eye after being dropped during rehearsals, is also worried if she will make the grade.

Kay, 46, admitted: “I am very frightened about being back on the ice. It has knocked the wind out of my sails.

“We have a huge lift in the routine and every time I step towards it I think about what happened last week.”

And Clare Buckfield, the bookies’ fave to win the series, has confessed she is struggling to remember all of her moves for tonight’s show.

The actress, 30, said: “We’ve got a back flip in this week’s routine which I’m finding really difficult!”



dailystar

Does anyone else think Ulrika is looking a little rough lately? I don't know if it's because she's too thin or getting a little older but her neck looks real scraggy.