FIFA announce Scotland as World Cup Winners 2006

Source: http://www.talkingballs.scot/newsstory?=080806


In a shock announcement yesterday morning, football's world governing body FIFA have stripped Italy of their title as world champions and handed the trophy to Scotland.

The shock decision is sure to enrage both Italians and all those who value the agreed laws of the game (ironically for the first time Italians find themselves joining in a campaign to uphold fair play and decency).

Despite Scotland being fairly and emphatically eliminated at the qualifying group stage and not making it to the finals in Germany, FIFA have taken the unprecedented, and some would say ludicrous, step of installing them as champions.

A delighted Walter Smith said, "Suck on this ya sassenach b-stards!!!"

A more reserved Marcello Lippi said, "As an Italian, this rule-breaking sickens me. Having upheld and respected the laws of the game during my time as Juventus and later Italy boss, I find it astonishing that such wilful manipulation is not only tolerated, but instigated by our governing body. Football is the loser. As indeed it was when our defensive tactics won the final in July. We will appeal this decision in court, and hopefully be reinstated as World Champions 2006, and furthermore have every world cup back-dated to 1958 so that the record books show Italy as perpetual champions. I entreat Sepp Blatter to reconsider lest he wants to wake up next to a horse's head, such as Ronaldinho, in the morning, and then be sleeping with the fishes in the evening."

Sepp Blatter, responding late yesterday to this threat replied, "The rules are quite clear. We are allowed to make them up as we go along. If we want to wilfully meddle with the logical knock-out format of our competition, we can. And no surrender-monkey greaseball can stop us. After all, if Endemol UK can have an evicted Housemate win their version of Big Brother, I don't see why we can't pick and choose who we want to win the World Cup. Anyway, the Italians have always been a bunch of moaning greasy wops. Give them enough time and they'll change sides in this argument. They usually do at half-time. And their Pope is a Nazi!!"

Zinedine Zidane, losing captain in the final, and infamously sent off for violent conduct, commented, "I zink ze World Cup zhould be dezided by a Glasgow Kiss competition at ze Hampden Park in wheeech I will take part. I have ze happy memories of Hampden."

Scotland immediately welcomed the move and are rumoured to be preparing Rab C. Nesbitt for action, with Duncan Ferguson as standby.