10 Jun 2005
Anorak
“GIVE me the money or I’ll blow yer brains out!” screams the man in the hoody.
“Can I help,” asks the woman behind the counter.
“Don’t get clever, bitch,” he yells.
“Just do as your bloody well told. Money! Bag! Now!”
“If; you’re paying in a cheque you can do so at the automated teller over there, sir. Can I interest you in our new overdraft facility? We offer very competitive rates. If it’s a new car you’re after or money for home improvements...”
Daddy might have been a bank robber, but his son is having a hard time making himself understood amid the din of the latest qangsta rap tune blasting out of the speakers at the branch of HSBC.
At this juncture, the would-be robber can either flee empty handed, wait until the song is over and some less invasive Mantovani comes on, or else take up the offer of the woman standing at the business end of his murderous looking cucumber and sort out a loan.
Appeasement is one of the benefits of the new sound system that’s rocking HSBC banks.
The bank’s customers can now rock out to the sounds of HSBC Live, the radio station that is being rolled out over the banking giant’s 400 UK branches.
“Our staff in the branches where we have tailed the service say it creates an upbeat atmosphere,” says a spokeswoman for the company, “and when customers are talking about private matters, it creates background noise so they can’t be overheard.”
So, pity our poor bank robber. And sense the changing mood of the tired man in the queue who hears the words “Grab the cash with both hands and make a stash” and reconsiders whether there’s a quicker way to get the money he needs for that holiday of lifetime...
