DeadBrain
6 Sep 2005 by David Lee
A visibly overjoyed Bono yesterday announced plans formulated by himself and his band-mates in order to fully capitalise on the recent Hurricane Katrina disaster in the USA.
Bono was joined by The Edge and Larry Mullen at the press conference in Dublin, where hundreds of journalists gathered to hear U2's action plan.
"I think I speak for all of U2 when I say that when I saw the news about New Orleans I was absolutely devastated," said the Irish singer, opening an emotional speech. "In a city that large, there are at least ten thousand potential U2 fans ready to go out and buy our CDs, and now they won't have the chance."
"But we realised that it was grossly inappropriate to sit around talking about lost sales at a time such as this," continued The Edge, 24, "so we decided that we had to show that we're thinking of our customers, and that we're with them at such a hard time."
The band, whose last UK tour ran alongside G8 and "Make Poverty History", went on to detail plans for an extensive tour of the Southern states, with a probable live DVD/CD combination to follow. The tour will be heavily merchandised, and the band promise that for every £1m made from Larry Mullen acupuncture sets and Adam Clayton thermos flasks, "the plight of the New Orleanseans" would be mentioned, "probably on Letterman or something".
It is hoped that after the high-profile press conference various High Street stores will push U2 merchandise back to the forefront of their displays. Douglas Ramsbottom, CEO of HMV POS stated: "We've already ordered three hundred extra Discotheque-era posters for display in our stores, and have the Joshua Tree and War in a '2 for £10' offer."
A relieved Larry Mullen later told journalists, "Bono can be a real slave-driver sometimes, but this hurricane is fantastic news, and all this extra publicity should save us from having to write any new material for another year or so."
U2's next album, 'The Invoice Is In The Post, Africa' is scheduled for release in 2007.