9 Apr 2006 by Malcolm Drury
Prince Philip has been arrested and is being held in custody following an incident at a Slough lap-dancing club in the early hours of this morning.
The Prince, who is thought to be at least 126 years old, has been charged with causing a disturbance by harassing a lap dancer at the club by persisting in asking her to "give us a kiss duckie", shouting loudly that the electrical wiring in the club must have been installed by a bunch of Indians, suggesting to a couple eating Chinese food that they would go slitty eyed, and being rude to a policeman sent to investigate by trying to lead a chorus of "who's that copper with the helmet on?"
The club, the Spearmint Rhino, has been in the news recently after it was revealed by the Daily Mirror and the Sun, two alleged newspapers, that Prince Harry Potter had visited it to celebrate the end of his army training at Sandhurst. It seems that on learning of Harry's adventure Prince Philip had decided he should go investigate what the lad had been up to and perhaps sample the services for himself.
It had been thought that Philip was safely locked in his room at Buckingham Palace for the duration of the bird cull but it appears that he had persuaded one of the forty-eight footmen guarding him to let him out to go for spanakopita take-out. The footman, who refused to give his name out of embarrassment, told reporters that Philip had promised to bring some back for everyone, but once the door was unlocked he had bolted for the stairs, slid down the banister shouting "can't catch me, you buggers" and was out of the front door before anyone could stop him.
Palace officials and police are still trying to work out how Philip managed to get to the club as it is believed that he has not held a valid driving licence for at least 60 years and London taxi drivers have been told to take him straight back to the Palace if he tries to hire them. An early theory is that he was helped by Harry himself, who may have wanted to go back for more. Witnesses said that a young, red-haired lad had been seen sitting in a car outside the club while the disturbance was going on, reading what appeared to be a naturist magazine and fondling a red g-string.
PC Douglas Ramsbottom of the Slough Police said that attempts to let Philip off with an ASBO and an on-the-spot fine had been unsuccessful as he had no money. "He kept complaining that his wife wouldn't give him any," he said, "and when we approached the car with the red-haired lad it drove off at high speed, so we had no option but to place him in custody."
Attempts to reach Buckingham Palace officials to arrange bail have so far been unsuccessful, PC Ramsbottom added. "All the phones seem to have been disconnected or switched off," he said. "It's really odd, that."
Late News
Sir Michael Peat-Moss, Prince Charles's chief spokesman, has denied a rumour that Charles had asked "what on Earth is lap dancing? Is it like Highland dancing?" under the mistaken impression that it was something cultural to do with northern Finland. Sir Michael said that His Highness is a man of the world, just like his father, and he knows all about that sort of thing.
Deadbrain
