Rejoice! The X Factor is back on ITV to complete your Saturday nights in (and conveniently mask the sound of your burbling tears).
Of course, give it five or six weeks - the point where they start paying serious attention to the 'professional' contestants - and it'll be **** again. But until then we have the undiluted joy of watching a bunch of deluded people fail! Yay!
Things got off to a cracking, Cowell-sneering start this week. The horrors included:
- A man who thought he'd captured the ghost of John Lennon,
- A schmaltzy nightclub ballad couple who refused to leave and picked a fight with the bouncers,
- A fat curly-haired girl whose family actually got on their knees and begged the judges,
- And a man who managed to make Jet's Are You Gonna Be My Girl sound even worse than the original.
A pretty impressive line-up. Of course, people have pointed out that the format of The X-Factor is remarkably similar to previous ITV pleb-beacon Pop Idol. Which brings us nicely to our story ...
... the good people of Iraq are to get their very own Pop Idol too.
As if they haven't suffered enough. A cack-handed invasion that left their country in (further) ruins. Countless daily suicide bombings threatening to tear the fragile nature of the community apart completely. Assassinations. Beheadings. Kidnappings.
And now we give them Gareth Gates (CDs).
Iraq Star is - according to director Wadia Nader - an attempt to "lighten the load and the problems that Iraqis are going through." Of course. hecklerspray can see it now - families losing beloved relatives to pipe-bomb explosions at the rate of three a week, all huddled together before the sheer redemptive glory of some **** with a mullet lip-syncing their way through a Dusty Springfield song.
Besides - for what is an ostensibly 'light-hearted' show - word is that the judges take things a little more seriously than their UK counterparts. While Simon Cowell's insults entrench themselves firmly in playground territory - "You're ugly and talentless and you smell like a stray cat's front bottom" - the Iraqi judges pride themselves on their no-nonsense accuracy.
One poor chap was torn apart (verbally) for "pronouncing some Arabic letters in far too nasal a fashion." Another unsuspecting dunderhead is "upbraided for making a grammatical mistake in a metaphorical tale about a dead bird."
Ah. That old mistake.
The Iraqi version also cuts down on the glitz and glamour of the UK model - the set is "spartan and drab", with no studio audience whatsoever.
Now there's an idea ITV might want to pick up. To hell with those swanky audition rooms - hecklerspray says these guys should have to prove their talent to the grunting audience of a dingy Watford pub. On a Saturday night. During a special 'Sovereigns and ASBO Gets You Free Beer!' promotion.
Let's see how well that stuttering gimp would have done then.
hecklerspray
