COMIC? WELL THAT'S A JOKE
11 March 2007
YOU'VE got to hand it to past-it girl Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. It takes a special lack of talent to carve out a career based on being an idiot.
For 10 tawdry years TPT has turned herself into a national laughing-stock.
But now the joke is wearing almost as thin as she is. And it's hard to raise even a smile while posh "totty" Tara makes an utter fool of herself on the Beeb's reality rubbish Comic Relief Does Fame Academy.
OK, it's for charidee so I mustn't be cruel. Sod it - here goes anyway.
What a terrifying sight selfstyled dizzy eccentric Tara was as she waddled on to the stage wild-eyed and covered in sweat.
"I'm crazy as a box of frogs," she announced. Which was a bit unfair to boxed frogs.
Then the perspiring Ms T delivered an unconvincing rendition of I'm Still Standing.
Only just, honey. "My family have heard me sing," she giggled, "They're abroad."
Bet they didn't leave a forwarding address.
Kidult Tara suggested that her wealthy father could donate a huge amount of cash so she didn't have to perform at all.
Sadly Mr Tomkinson didn't take up the offer. There is something tragic about a woman in her mid-30s desperately clinging to her long-dead image as one of London's bright young things.
But there's a grim fascination about Tara's car-crash antics on Fame Academy, a clapped-out show that only resurfaces under the cloak of good causes.
Following Tara's breathtakingly useless version of Dolly Parton's Jolene, judge Lesley Garrett told her: "You made me cry." I know what you mean!
But don't worry, TPT. As D:Ream almost sang: "Things can only get sweatier."
If it's Comic bloody Relief, TV types think they get away with murder. And we're all dying a death as BBC1's Z-list line-up slaughter songs on a nightly basis. It's only fair to stress that Zoe Salmon, Trisha Penrose, Ray Stubbs, Shaun Williamson and the gang are all giving their time for free. Presumably that's why Terry Wogan's not involved.
And - with the TV industry wallowing in its own farcical phone-in fiasco - it's nice for once to see viewers' money not going to waste.
But my God, they scraped the celebrity barrel on this one.
Who the hell was Tim Vine?
And is skirt-wearing Scot Fred MacAulay really a famous comedian? There was nothing funny about his appalling version of Why Does It Always Rain on Me? It was a Travis-ty!
In terms of fame, this is the lamest academy ever.
Now based at London's depressing County Hall, TV's clash of the tone-deaf Titans is hosted by solid pros Patrick Kielty and Claudia Winkleman.
Kielty - who so triumphantly fronted ITV's smash flop Love Island - has been desperately trying to dredge up his old feud with grim reaper-style judge Richard Park. But no one could care less.
After global superstar Mel Geidroyc killed T Rex's 20th Century Boy, Park bizarrely disclosed: "Marc Bolan was a friend of mine... we used to play basketball together." What?
The entire judging set-up is nonsensical. The three of 'em never agree.
"That was fantastic," declared Park following sports presenter Stubbs' crimes against Oasis's Wonderwall.
"I feel quite the opposite," said Strictly Come Dancing's Craig Revel Horwood. "It was dreadful."
When MacAuley sucked the life out of Cliff Richard's "Living" Doll, Garrett sighed: "You need to open your vowels."
I felt like doing something very similar!
Soprano Garrett hit a strange note with Birds Of A Feather star Linda Robson as she informed her: "I'm so excited about your diaphragm."
And vocal coach Carrie Grant revealed that Radio One DJ Colin Murray is a wonder of modern science. "That's the first time he's ever breathed," trilled Carrie after Murray allegedly sang Sweet Caroline.
Anyway, get used to it. We're all trapped in Red Nose hell now.
Sundaymirror
