POLLY VISION: X MARKS OUT THREE CLOTS..
Polly Hudson
MAYBE it was because it started just a few hours after Big Brother ended, but I sat down to watch The X Factor with a weary heart.
And by the first advert break, I didn't feel any better.
At first I put it down to reality TV overload, but then I realised why I was finding it such uncomfortable viewing.
The voiceover at the start of The X Factor gushed: "One hundred thousand hopefuls auditioned. They all share the same dream - of becoming a star. And the three judges can make that dream a reality."
Can they? Well, why haven't they so far?
What they CAN do is guarantee the winner will have one charttopping single, but that's all.Will Young is the only participant still doing well. But not Gareth Gates, Michelle McManus or Steve Brookstein. Even Shayne Ward's career is all over bar the crying.
Once you realise the end result is a hollow promise, watching the audition process becomes uncomfortably akin to pointing at the bearded lady in a Victorian freak show. Actually it's the modern equivalent - laughing at overweight, plain-looking factory workers who dare to dream. Who audition in a bid to spice up their routine lives. And who have queued for hours for the privilege, too. Simon, Sharon and Louis snigger as these losers traipse into the audition room, each proclaiming they have what it takes to be a pop star.
I'm not saying these people should be given false hope, but since they are providing the X Factor moments we'll all be talking about on Monday morning, surely they should be treated with a smidgen of respect. Just a smidgen.
"It's about as bad as it can possibly get," Simon told one hopeless hopeful. "Come off it, what was that? It's just ridiculous. Stop saying please, it's not going to make any difference," he barked at another. "No chemistry, no star quality, no performance, nothing," one guy was told by Louis Walsh, who, let's face it, should know. And my blood boiled when Sharon - paid megabucks to sit on what probably used to be the backs of her knees through this ordeal - sighed, "Flat. Boring. Unprofessional." What, the amateurs were unprofessional? How dare they!
"He was so rude, he just laughed at me," sobbed a young single mum of two. "He stood on my heart," wailed another. "It makes you think everything you've based your life on is wrong," mumbled yet another. Surely it wouldn't kill the judges to let them down a bit more gently?
Other than the shattered dreams, there was the usual X-Factor-by-numbers goings-on - a set-up "comedy" moment with an OAP, this year's heart-wrencher, Gareth Gates stutter style, was being a full-time carer for your invalid mum, and a trio of black sisters was compared to The Pointer Sisters and Sister Sledge.
And a stunning young woman with an amazing voice was put through but ultimately won't win, because teenage girl phone voters just don't dial for dames.
In the end, the judges were shown up by a 39-year-old forklift truck driver. "They could sell you as a sleeping aid. I've never heard anything more boring in my life," sneered Simon.
"Oh well, OK. Thank you. Take care," he replied with grace and humility. Hopefully it's catching. But I doubt it.
Mirror
