Reality Bitesize: The TV catch-up Independent
The X Factor
The story so far...
A bumper year this time round with the inclusion of "wild cards" (roughly translated that's the people who the public really liked but who the judges thought were too fat). With the live shows lasting two-and-a-half hours and 14 finalists to purge ourselves of, Saturday nights began to feel like one never-ending filibuster.
Still, The X Factor grinds on like Orwell's boot stamping on a human face and we love it. The faces, of course, are those of the contestants with actual talent who are sacrificed to the gods of Good TV and – in a totalitarian system operated by Simon Cowell from under his desk – voted out ahead of the nymphomaniac, the novelty act and the adolescent wet rags.
Mired in controversy ever since judge Cheryl Cole collapsed with malaria, this season has seen dispu-ted decisions, extraditions, allegations of cheating, vocal public hatred, death threats and an Elton John special.
Heroes/villains
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Where to start? Gamu Nhengu was the popular choice dropped by Cheryl Cole in favour of suburban egomaniacs Cher Lloyd and Katie Waissel, while Wagner is the tuneless Brazilian PE teacher who used to own a pet lion. Aiden Grimshaw was all jerky and bum-tingly but lost out to Waissel, whose new gamine crop and publicity-friendly gran (she's a £250-a-night escort) saw her through her fourth time in the bottom two.
Paije was adorable but Simon had it in for him and Louis couldn't distinguish him from Lenny Henry, and the nation has succumbed to an entirely immoral crush on a gaggle of teenage boys. It's the jackboots and cowl-neck jumpers that do it.
What happens next...
Quickly – as in, before people start eating each other – long-haired lothario Wagner (to be pronounced with a 'w' despite his repeated pleas to Louis Walsh's leaden ear for funny foreign names) and the monstrous Katie Waissel need to go. With the combined popularity of Anne Boleyn, Camilla Parker-Bowles and O'Brian from Downton Abbey, Waissel is rumoured to have been bought out of a previous record deal in the States by Cowell and has been spotted as a backing dancer in last year's competition. She's also one of the most unpleasant people on the planet. Cutesy giggle, mentions charity work, fiddles with artfully ripped tights.
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