Steve Tomkins takes a light-hearted look at what might happen in 2008, but probably won't!
According to latest research that I made up, we spend seven-and-a-half weeks a year listening to the news.
So to save you an invaluable two months of 2008, here are next year’s top stories in advance. (Use your extra time wisely.)
JANUARY
LIB DEMS DITCH CLEGG
The Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg is forced to resign after a newspaper columnist calls him “too new”.
GREENS BLAST SPUD YEAR
As the UN launches the International Year of the Potato, celebrations are picketted by broccoli and stringless beans.
FEBRUARY
NEW LOW FOR FEB
The Met Office describes February as “the most depressing month since records began”.
NEW LOW FOR RICE
The NME describes Damien Rice’s new CD as “the most depressing record since months began."
MARCH
MORE INFO LOST
The Home Office admits to losing all the personal details of the entire population. A spokesperson says: “I’ve definitely seen them around somewhere. I can picture them now.” The population offers to look after their own personal details from now.
APRIL
AMY NIGHTCLUB SHOCK
Troubled singer Amy Winehouse goes out for the evening and no newspapers report it.
NORTHERN ROCK SNAPPED UP ONLINE
Troubled government HMG finally find a buyer for Northern Rock thanks to eBay. Its new owner Keith Mitchell says, “Eh? I thought it was a compilation album. Can I have my fiver back?”
MAY
ATLANTIS LAUNCH
The Space Shuttle Atlantis is successfully launched, but comes back earlier than expected, Commander Estes explaining, “There’s nowhere to go up there. There’s really very little to do at all.”
JUNE
TENNIS TRAJ
Latest plucky British Wimbledon hopeful Ted Purvis has his house torched after his opening match with Andrizj Trckfyzs in which he fails to once get the ball over the net.
JULY
NET BAN FOR RUDE TUNE
‘You’re a ****** but I love you’ by The ******s becomes the first song to be banned by the internet.
TESCO ARSON
Tesco in Lewisham suffers acceptable levels of damage after its new Christmas display is burned by the Campaign for Real Christmas.
AUGUST
IN YER FACEBOOK
Facebook becomes more profitable than Google, when it turns out that all anyone actually wants a computer for is to count their friends.
SEPTEMBER
C OF E TV PEACE PLAN
In a final bid for Anglican unity, Rowan Williams gets conservatives and liberals together on Trisha. It’s horrible. Even with the church on it.
O2 REUNIONS
Following Led Zep’s triumphant return in the O2 stadium, the comeback dome hosts gigs for Status Quo, Squeeze, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, the Conservative Party, the lost art of political satire, and the Church of England.
OCTOBER
FACEBOOK CRIME STING
Police use Facebook to catch a major art thief after he uses the status update, “is a major art thief”.
NOVEMBER
ELECTRO-POLE
As predicted in Isaac Asimov’s Franchise the 44th US president is selected by a computer. The computer selects itself. The international standing of the US government reaches its highest in 8 years.
DECEMBER
ROME’S XMAS OUTBURST
Having slammed last year’s The Golden Compass as ‘the most anti-Christmas film possible’, the Vatican now dubs the sequel The Subtle Knife as ‘even more anti-Christmas’. The Vatican then takes a couple of weeks off to think through things.
IT’S HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE MAD!!!
Santa is grounded after a risk assessment of driving an unregistered vehicle in international airspace, entering building via chimneys, flying into occupied territories, and consuming several million units of alcohol. Several tabloid newspapers spontaneously combust in response.
Good cheer, everyone.
surefish
