BB FANS

what?

Does that mean something rude as well?

Tell you when you're older.

Oh so it's something rude then that all my friends would get and then mock me for not understanding! It's so embarrassing! Maybe one of those 5 words should be swtiched to 'naive'...

Err yeah, cars.

For many it’s the only question that needs answered: "what’ll it do?". There have been some new arrivals here recently, so here is the latest list of the top ten fastest production cars currently on sale in the UK.


We start at the ‘slowest’ and make our way to the fastest.

Aston Martin Vanquish S 200mph, 0-62mph 4.8 secs
The original Vanquish could never really be accused of being short of power, but such is the pace of development these days its cheaper DB9 relative was snapping at its heals in the performance department. Costing some £60,000 more than the DB9 that simply wouldn’t do. So the Vanquish S was born, raising power from its front-mounted V12 to 520bhp, a hike of 60bhp. That also pushes the top speed of this British bruiser up beyond the 200mph barrier. As well as the engine modifications the S has a tweaked chassis to provide a more focussed, rawer driving experience, marking it out from the still available regular Vanquish and the DB9. Still largely hand built, in tiny numbers, the Vanquish S is a perfect British riposte to the thoroughbred Italians here; sophisticated, yet brutally fast Aston Martin’s flagship is a very desirable and useable 200mph+ machine.



Ferrari 575M Maranello 202mph, 0-62mph 4.2 secs
200mph+ performance with GT civility, the Ferrari 575M Maranello and its 550 Maranello predecessor changed our expectations of what to expect from a series production Ferrari flagship. Its 508bhp V12 engine is mounted in front of the driver, allowing Ferrari to add some day-to-day usability to its supercar. Far less overt than the Testarossas and 512TR spin-offs that it replaced, the 575M Maranello is a hugely accomplished supercar with few compromises. A hugely successful car - it’s sold in massive numbers for something costing £160,000+ - though as it's now the oldest Ferrari in the line-up a replacement featuring an engine based on the Enzo’s (the Enzo not included on this list as it’s sold out) is expected late 2005/early 2006. It’ll certainly be faster too...


Lamborghini Murciélago 205mph, 0-62mph 3.8 secs
Here’s a 200mph+ machine that looks positively cheap compared to its rivals. You’ll get little change from £400,000 for some of the cars here and indeed for some you’ll need to dig behind the sofa for several thousand more, but the Murciélago comes in at just £168,000. That’s genuine 200mph+ capability for British bungalow rather than Mediterranean seafront villa, money. The most useable Lamborghini ever, Audi’s input has refined the bull, but not restrained it. Lamborghini’s should be about drama and the Murciélago doesn’t disappoint, the 6.2-litre V12 producing 570bhp, more than enough to propel it beyond 200mph. Four-wheel-drive and active bodywork to cool that mighty V12 means you can actually use its performance too, while the fantastic looks, scissor doors and fantastic engine note are pure undiluted Lamborghini. Lamborghini Murciélago


Porsche Carrera GT 205mph, 0-62mph 3.9 secs
Unveiled to a surprised audience at the Paris motor show a few years back the Carrera GT is the result of an aborted race programme due to a change in the racing authority’s rulebooks. Rather than leave the virtually finished project to languish in a corner of the factory in Stuttgart Porsche instead decided to make the Carrera GT into a hypercar for the road. And what a job it’s done too. While it might be unable to match the lofty top speeds of some of its rivals the Carrera GT remains one of the best cars of its type. A tricky, involving drive its V10 punches out 604bhp enabling it to reach 205mph – which really is plenty. It’s open-topped too, meaning if you’re brave you can reach maximum velocity with wind tearing at your hair follicles. Sure, it’s not as fast as some, but it’s the hypercar you’d be happy to use all day on road and track.


Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren 208mph, 0-62mph 3.8 secs
Two famous names collaborate to produce the mighty SLR. An unusual car in 200mph club due to its grand touring credentials and automatic transmission, the SLR sledgehammers its way to 208mph in comfort that’s more akin to a Mercedes saloon than your usual edgy, focussed supercar. The supercharged 5.4-litre V8 engine produces 626bhp and a sound like a Merlin engine from a Spitfire warplane, the side exiting exhausts, and cooling strakes on the wings being very reminiscent of classic Mercedes 60’s supercars like the 300SL Gullwing. At £313,465 they’re not a common sight, but some buyers have been rumoured to have bought several for each of their houses worldwide. Ever faster production AMG Mercedes models are already near the SLR’s top speed, but to counter this Brabus offers some choice upgrades to further enhance your SLR’s performance. For some people it seems 208mph simply isn’t enough...



Bristol Fighter 210mph, 0-62mph 4.0 secs
Bristol is almost a national secret in the UK, producing bespoke, hand built cars for a tiny and discerning audience. The Fighter is its latest, providing gentlemanly comfort and refinement at speeds in excess of 200mph. Its unusual style is more coupe-esque and discreet than the more wedgy dramatic shapes you’d expect from a car that’ll travel at over three miles a minute, but Bristol does things its own way. Always has. Talk of speeds and 0-62mph times is slightly vulgar, so Bristol quietly claims a top speed of ‘around’ 210mph and is similarly vague about the benchmark sprint time. It’ll happily tell you about the 8-litre V10 engine which produces in excess of 500bhp. That might not sound huge in this company, but the Bristol is very efficient wind cheating shape. Few, if any of its owners are likely to verify the top speeds, instead using their Fighters (and slightly more powerful and focused Fighter S) to commute from their country piles to the hedge-funds they run in the city.



Pagani Zonda F 214mph, 0-62mph 3.5 secs
The Zonda has been around long enough to be familiar to most supercar enthusiasts but only now with the Zonda F (for ‘Fangio’) can this dramatic machine make a real impact in our 200mph+ top ten. Borrowing its power from Mercedes Benz the Zonda F features a 7.3-litre V12 with 602bhp (or 650bhp in Clubsport guise – why would you have it in any other?) allowing it to reach a top speed of around 214mph and produce a 0-62mph time of 3.5 seconds. An old-school supercar for shear drama the Zonda is a sensational looking machine, its carbon fibre construction, leather interior and shear attention in its build something to behold. Like so many of these cars it’s the dream of just one man, Horacio Pagani – who learned his trade at Lamborghini before setting up on his own. The Zonda arguably out-Lamborghinis Lamborghinis for real supercar impact, Pagani one of the few new supercar manufacturers to really compete against more established opposition. The Zonda F is the latest in that evolution, and one that underlines the company as a serious player.

Gumpert Apollo 224mph, 0-62mph 3.0 secs
Sure, Gumpert Apollo may not have the same exotic ring to it as some of the other machinery here, but its brutal name is apt given its brutish performance and looks. Performance with the Apollo seems to have been the primary goal, beauty coming far down the list of priorities. The result is racecar effective and not pretty, the Apollo using an Audi-sourced 4.2-litre V8 (with a couple of huge turbos bolted on) to produce 650bhp. It drives the rear wheels through a sequential six-speed transmission. Developed by Roland Gumpert, the Apollo’s pedigree couldn’t be better, Roland responsible for developing Audi’s first four-wheel-drive cars and was in charge of the Audi Sports Department when Audi was cleaning up in rallying. The Apollo might not be pretty, but with a claimed top speed of around 224mph it’s certainly deserving of a place in our top ten and has apparently resulted in a very busy order book for the fledgling manufacturer.

Koenigsegg CCR 240mph+, 0-62mph 3.2 secs
This little known Swedish manufacturer has been officially clocked at above 242mph beating the McLaren F1’s long standing top speed. Bugatti might since have come along to steal Koenigsegg’s top speed glory but despite the pairing’s similar ability for ludicrous velocity they go about it in completely different ways. Powering the CCR is a fairly conventional supercharged 4.7-litre V8 engine (some eight cylinders down on the Bugatti’s 16-cylinder engine), admittedly producing a rather unconventional 806bhp. Eschewing the hugely complex route Bugatti has taken with the Veyron the Koenigsegg CCR’s mighty engine drives the rear wheels only, through a six-speed manual transmission (a sequential option is offered). As such Koenigsegg claims its CCR as having not only that headline top speed, but class leading agility around a racetrack. A recent test at the Nurburgring Nordschleife setting a lap time of 7 minutes 34 seconds. Only a handful of these beautiful carbon-fibre hypercars are sold each year. At £400,000+, that’s hardly surprising.

Bugatti EB 16.4 Veyron 253mph+, 0-62mph 2.5 secs
It might have been constantly delayed but Bugatti - and its owner Volkswagen - finally fulfilled its promise to offer a 250+mph hypercar earlier this year. To do so has caused the company serious headaches but the result is extraordinary with the Veyron officially able to reach 253mph (407kph). Unbelievably it’s actually electronically restricted – it could go faster... With a 1001bhp from its 16-cylinders and four turbos that top speed is hardly surprising, but what’s really amazing is that Bugatti has somehow managed to offer all that power and speed in a driveable package. Four wheel drive, a seven speed DSG transmission and wings sprouting automatically from the bodywork all help here but it’s likely few owners will ever actually drive the Veyron as Bugatti intended. A technological marvel, that’s redefined the boundaries much like McLaren F1 did back in 1990s the Veyron proves just about anything is possible with a huge budget and talented engineers.



Verdict
As the top five cars here show merely 200mph just isn’t enough these days with de-redistricted AMGs and BMW M Cars easily able to breach the once impossible 200mph barrier. There are plenty of others, too, and a good few like the Enzo, Maserati MC12 and Ford GT that can easily match and better many of the cars listed here. However, we’re talking about current production models here – ones that you can place an order for today (if you’re minted). As the list shows, 250mph is now the goal. It’s only a matter of time until someone raises that bar to 300mph. Pointless? Absolutely. But fantastic, too. The land speed record is currently at 763mph so there’s plenty of headroom left...!

So do I go for the red car or the blue one Cameron?

Whichever is the shiniest HC.


I once went to buy a car and when I went to the car showroom, a guy came and asked if he could help me. I said I would like a red shiny car with a cd player. He asked in a very patronising manner 'Do you have any other requirements'. I said 'Yes, a sunroof'. He thought I was joking but that was exactly what I bought. I don't have the first clue what make or model it was but it served me well and was very red and shiny.

So anytime, you need anyone to take over your role as motoring consultant here Cameron, you know who to ask.

Nice, ellie - loving your style!

While Cameron's treading the boards I thought I would post this until the man himself can return with insightful comments about torque, horsepower and other things i don't have a clue about


JEREMY CLARKSON'S TOP 10 QUOTES (FROM MSN)

The presenter said the new Mini should be made into a quintessentially German car with the addition of trafficators that mimicked Nazi salutes, a sat-nav system that directed the driver to invade Poland and a fan belt that lasted 10,000 years. Love him or loathe him, motormouth Jeremy is impossible to ignore. He has been blamed for all manner of things from the demise of MG-Rover, the sales failure of the Vauxhall Vectra, through to the slump in jeans sales in the 90s. But occasionally his caustic sense of humour and determination not to suffer fools means Jezza often finds himself at the centre of a storm of controversy. Here is our round up of the more outrageous Clarkson moments -


Toyota pick-up
In February 2004 the BBC was forced to apologise to a Somerset parish council after Jeremy drove a Toyota Hilux pick-up truck into a tree in the car park of St John the Baptist church in Churchill. The council had thought the damage to the 30 year old horse chestnut was down to vandals until a local resident saw Jeremy footage of Jeremy demonstrating the car’s strength on Top Gear. The Beeb apologised and paid the parish council £250 compensation.


Hurricane Clarkson
Jeremy has even managed to whip up protests on the other side of the Atlantic with comments in his column in The Sun about America’s treatment of the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He said that: "Most Americans barely have the brains to walk on their back legs," and went on to claim that starving black people in New Orleans were being shot by helicopter gunships rather than being rescued.


Hyundai horror
Jeremy has always been outspoken and it’s been landing him in trouble for years. In 1998 the BBC had to step in when Hyundai UK claimed Jeremy made “bigoted and racist” comments at the Motor show in Birmingham. Jeremy allegedly told visitors to the Top Gear stand that the Korean company’s staff had been eating dog and that the designer of the then new XG had probably eaten a Spaniel. The BBC said that: "Jeremy’s colourful comments are always entertaining but they are his own comments and not those of the BBC. More often than not they are said with a twinkle in his eye."


Despicable dog walkers
Jeremy infuriated dog walkers in October 2005 after he banned them from using a footpath crossing his land on the Isle of Man, claiming that they had killed his sheep. The footpath was a ‘permissive’ one, meaning that walkers were allowed to use it with the owner’s permission. But Jeremy withdrew his consent blaming, "unpleasant and deeply militant dog walkers". He added: "You have these clots who just can’t see it. They just think they have a God given right to trample around on somebody else’s garden wherever they want and kill the sheep."


Anti-Clarkson campaign
Poor old MG Rover has often been the butt of Jeremy’s jokes – he compared the 75 to a ‘Vicar’s elbow patch’ and a letter to the Daily Telegraph blamed Jeremy for Rover’s ills. Sacked MG-Rover employees were really incensed by his comments on the company’s ultimate demise: "when I heard the news my first though was: 'good'.

We hate Jeremy Clarkson club
Residents of Norfolk started this campaign in response to comments made by Jeremy implying that people living in the area were backwards. Jeremy claimed that in the 'flat and featureless' county people point and say: "Hey, look, it’s a car!" whenever he drove past and that the government should tell people to avoid it unless they like: "orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals." Comments about Lincolnshire also got Jeremy lambasted by road safety groups for saying he drives "fast and recklessly" through Lincolnshire because it is so boring.

Discovery
Not content with ramming Toyota’s into trees, Jeremy upset conservationists by driving a new Land Rover Discovery up to the top of Ben Tongue mountain in Scotland. Dave Morris, director of the Scottish Ramblers Association said: "We found Clarkson’s stunt highly irresponsible. Driving to the top of a mountain over open ground is inevitably going to cause damage to the countryside. It is wrong of the BBC to promote such hare-brained and reckless behaviour."

Custard pie
When Jeremy was set to be awarded an honorary degree by Oxford Brookes University, over 3,000 people signed a petition in protest, upset at Clarkson’s claims that he had a ‘disregard’ for the environment. At the ceremony itself in September one protestor took rather more direct action, flinging a custard pie into Jezza’s face. The man himself was unruffled, saying: "great shot" and posing for pictures. He also upset environmental group Greenpeace by saying he had 'wet dreams' about one of their ships sinking, prompting Ben Stewart of Greenpeace to brand him: "a class-A muppet and absolute plonker."

Mowing down cyclists
As a true petrolhead, Clarkson has a disdain for pedal power which attracted fury in the wake of the London bombings in July 2005. He warned all those setting off on two wheels for the first time: "Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun and do not pull up at junctions in front of a line of traffic. Because if I’m behind you, I will set off at normal speed and you will be crushed under my wheels."

Punching Piers
With his famously scathing turn of phrase – he once said the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like "unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite" – Jeremy has no need to resort to violence. In fact only one man has been on the end of a Clarkson fist, Piers Morgan who, as the then editor of the Daily Mirror, published allegedly compromising pictures of Clarkson with a woman. Jeremy took such offence that at the 2004 British Press Awards he punched Morgan in the head several times; Morgan claims he still has a scar from a ring Jeremy was wearing. Morgan also claims that Clarkson deliberately spilt a glass of water on him during the last flight of the Concorde in October 2003.

Thanks TD! Here's a nice one to start the new year...

£5,000 is a nice round figure that hundreds of thousands of buyers set themselves to buy a used car with. But what sort of treats can they indulge in? We’ve chosen 10 five-star five-grand cars!



Lexus IS200 from £5,000
We’re not completely won over by the new IS – but even now, seven years after its launch, its predecessor remains first-class. Smooth straight-six engine, rear-wheel-drive, delectable gearbox… we could be talking about a BMW 3-Series. And that’s exactly what Lexus wanted. While it lacks torque, revving the 153bhp engine is no hardship but a total aural feast, and how the balanced chassis encourages you to play. Meanwhile, build is flawless, those crisp panels are painted to an unbelievable standard and, inside, both equipment levels and the chronograph instrument pack please. That all this is available for £5,000 took us by surprise, but it’s a reality, even for desirable Sport trims. And what goes wrong? You’ve got us there...


Ford Puma from £2,000
The best-handling Ford hatch ever? It’s got to be a contender, so sublimely does the Puma tackle twisty roads. It’s the purity of feedback, the precision, the lightness of feet, with direction controlled by ace steering and speed modulated by a sensational gearbox. Even the cold alloy gearknob feels special. Beneath the still-swish body sit Fiesta mechanicals, ensuring reliability, but the preferred 123bhp 1.7-litre engine is unique and a bit of a gem. Quick, economical and rorty when revved; don’t mistake it for the smaller 1.6, which is good, but not as brilliant as this is. So many were sold, finding a 2000/W car isn’t hard; we’d be keen to seek a blue metallic version, potentially the most collectable colour of all.



Peugeot 607 from £4,000
If you stumble upon one of these in the UK, chances are a Peugeot dealer principal will have driven it. No premium badge and less than 30% retained after three years means it’s a crazy buy for anyone else. But, used, how the picture changes. A car barely four years old, with epic levels of kit, executive car dimensions and comfort, all for £5,000? Besides, chances are, the neighbours will only see the ‘51’ plate and how dimensionally it dwarfs theirs… And that’s before you tell them about standard ESP, double glazing and heat-reflecting engine. HDi diesel is best but, praise be, the 3.0-litre V6 is barely less economical than the 2.2-litre four-pot, and far more in keeping with the big Pug’s hushed nature.


Seat Ibiza from £3,000
VW’s Polo is a staple supermini front-runner, but we’d go for the Ibiza instead. Why? Beneath the sportier, preferable lines sit VW Polo mechanicals – all for prices that undercut the German favourite by some degree. You even have standard air con on all! Sportier lines are reflected in the firmer suspension, though the most-popular 1.2-litre and (the choice) 1.4-litre engines are identical, providing economical if hardly pace-setting performance. The interior also feels sportier, but some will find the uniform black finish too much – and plastics don’t match the Polo’s quality. But the rest of the car does and the well-proven platform ensures that, other than a few engine maladies which a full service history should wheedle out, problems are few.



Honda Civic from £4,000
The Civic isn’t exciting. But it is reliable, meticulously engineered and has genuine links to the NSX supercar. 1999 models are also likely to be readily available for our budget, as loyal Honda buyers trade up to the eye-opening new model. £5k secures the best-all rounder, a 1.6-litre SE variant, which is well-equipped and quite staggeringly roomy. You don’t need an Accord – this is vast enough to almost feel like an MPV inside, though the upright lines do perhaps reflect this. It’s a decent drive with a vibrant engine, but the best bit is its fastidious owners, who ensure that the majority of used Civics remain almost factory-fresh. British build is the icing on the cake.


MG MGFs from £4,000
MG Rover has crashed and so have used prices. No saloon, hatch or estate is predicted to retain much more than 25% after three years, a colossal fall. Even the MG TF has been hit – but values of earlier MGFs have proven more resilient - because they were cheap already. You won’t search for long to find a facelifted 2000 1.8 for within our budget; in sports car terms, that’s a bargain. And don’t worry about lack of back-up, as there are legions of good-value specialists out there. This is as well-supported as the old ‘B’. It’s an infinitely better drive too, with a snappy 1.8-litre engine (shared with the Lotus Elise) and tidy rear-drive handling. The ride is fantastic too – later TFs ditched the clever suspension, and were less satisfying as a result.



Fiat Multipla from £3,000
Proof that Italians are crazy. It was not for Fiat to design a Euro-bland MPV, oh no. It specified a 3x3 seating layout, clothed it in a near-square body, and paid a 1960s sci-fi artist to design it. How else could such large side windows, ‘splodge’ tail lights and double-decker headlights come about? Inside it was space-age as well, but spacious with it, while the 1.9-litre JTD diesel is thrusting (preferable to the cheaper 1.6-litre petrol). Exhausts can blow and clutches can suffer niggly faults but, considering Fiat’s very poor overall reliability record, the Multipla is better than you’d expect – so long as the electrics are OK, it should prove dependable. And it’s actually an MPV that feels special, different, characterful. We think that counts for a lot.



Land Rover Freelander V6 from £5,000
The Freelander is an absolute favourite, but hardly has the best reliability record. 1.8-litre petrols are particularly troublesome, while the earlier 2.0-litre diesel is better but an unappealing thing in operation. That’s why we’d hunt out an early 2.5-litre V6, with standard auto gearbox, providing a silken bit of class for our £5k budget. Far cheaper than Td4 diesels, economy is appalling but otherwise the V6 Freelander is a classy thing to drive, particularly as it comes in much-improved, BMW-developed facelift format. So long as the temperature gauge isn’t hyperactive and the gearbox shifts smoothly, V6s should be more dependable than the Freelander average, particularly as many will be cosseted low-mileage, one-owner models. And naturally, as it’s a range-topper, equipment levels are less stingy than normal, too.



BMW 5-Series Touring from £3,700
The 5-Series Touring is merely average as a practical estate, but as a car to drive and to own, it’s top drawer. One magazine voted the 528i ‘best car in the real world’, and how that claim still holds today. You should get a 1998 528i for our budget with ease (maybe even a 2000 520i if no journey is likely to be conducted in a rush), and what a surprisingly rapid peach it will be. Don’t be worried if it’s had a replacement engine, as a rare BMW manufacturing defect led to lots of replacements under warranty – but ensure you check six-pots fully, watching the temperature gauge and checking the oil filler cap for white residue. Otherwise, even high miles shouldn’t dissuade you from buying quite possibly the world’s best used estate.



Lotus Excel from £2,000
Unofficially, this is the most reliable Lotus ever built. Well, certainly before the Elise came along. Developed with much input from Toyota, it may not be the most beautiful Chapman creation but it’s certainly as satisfying to drive as you’d expect; better-honed, in fact, than pre-88 Esprits. The 2.2-litre engine is no sewing machine but reliable and throaty, handling hard to fault and the general drive unintimidating enough to make easy everyday running. Buy an immaculate late ‘80s variant for within our budget (avoiding the SA auto), check the glassfibre body is crack-free and you’ve a classic Lotus that’s sure to appreciate. People in high places certainly rate it; Colin Chapman’s wife drove one for years.

FOR every A-list megastar there are ten pretenders desperate to fill their shoes. In some cases, even more talented than the one getting all the glory. The same applies to the motoring world. For every car that’s lauded as a work of genius, there’s another deserving of attention and accolades that for some reason is cruelly overlooked. Here are ten cars that could - and should - have been contenders.


Peugeot 309 GTi
While the pretty 205 won the hearts of boy racers and urbanites everywhere, the dumpier 309 was left on the shelf. The standard version was a plain Jane humdrum machine, but the GTi combined the vim of its smaller sibling with hatchback practicality. They hardly ever get stolen either.


Nissan Primera
The Primera is a forgotten family car, and the last one you sat in was probably a minicab. That’s a shame, because it had a range of 16-valve engines that were sweet and powerful enough, and even the base models handled like they were track-bred – it won a BTCC title too. The top-spec eGT model was better still, but everyone went and bought the mouldy Sierra and wooden Cavalier instead.


Jensen FF
So far ahead of its time that it was never appreciated until it was too late, the Jensen FF had Ferguson Formula four-wheel drive and Maxaret anti-lock brakes, previously seen only on aircraft. With a big Chrysler V8 up front it had the looks and all-weather performance, but the exorbitant price and no left-hand drive meant sales were stifled.


Renault 4
Somehow the 4’s more sensible exterior made it far less appreciated than its tin snail rival, the Citroen 2CV, but the Renault was a wonderfully simple and relaxing car. With a proper hatchback it was more practical, and with 40bhp (11 more than the 2CV) it was a lot quicker – than walking. The delightfully soft ride meant huge bodyroll but strong grip, while the push-pull gearlever was an ideal place to hang your onions.


Citroen GS
The DS was rightly lauded as a masterpiece of futuristic design, but it was the GS that brought innovation to the masses. The five door hatchback had hydronpneumatic suspension that gave an incredibly comfortable ride, attractive and aerodynamic styling, disc brakes all round and a flat-four engine. It made its contemporaries – the Ford Cortina and Vauxhall Viva – look prehistoric. It was even sold with a rotary engine, but buyers frightened of complexity and a propensity to rust from the inside out sealed its fate. However, the GS remained the most modern of family cars.


Subaru Legacy
While the yoof have switched on to the abilities of the Impreza, the Legacy remains the most routinely ignored car you can buy. Despite its discreet yet attractive styling, proven reliability, practicality and good value, buyers seem more interested in paying extra for something with a different badge, less equipment and two-wheel drive. They even rallied them, until the Impreza took over and stole the limelight.


Honda NSX
The same hacks that moaned at the NSX’s perceived lack of character back in 1990 are now mourning its death. For some reason a supercar that you can see out of, that doesn’t break down every five minutes and that can be driven by your grandmother is boring. Never mind that the handling was sorted by Ayrton Senna, that it was made from top to bottom of aluminium and had a wailing VTEC V6 engine, because its chief rival, the Ferrari 348, had ‘heritage’.


Porsche 944
The problem with most Porsches is that they are eternally shadowed by big brother – the 911. It continues today with the Boxster, but the 944 also suffered the same fate. It had the engine in the right place, and although it only had four cylinders, the Turbo version could smash the 160mph barrier. A perfectly balanced chassis thanks to excellent weight distribution made it a delight to drive, as was the 968 that replaced it. Meanwhile 911s of the same era are much trickier to drive, expensive to run and have a distinct whiff of city banker.


Rover SD1
Or the Rover 3500 as it was officially named, but the SD1 was unfairly lumped with the rest of the dross churned out by BL in the 1970s. With clear influences from the Ferrari Daytona it looked the business, while on the inside clever industrial design by David Bache was simple and elegant. The V8 version was the real thing, but the six-cylinder versions weren’t up to scratch, and the dodgy build quality meant buyers got their fingers burnt.


Daihatsu Charade GTti
Apply the hot hatch rulebook to the letter and you get a small car with a bigger engine. In typically belligerent fashion, the Japanese Charade engineers decided to turbocharge its 1.0-litre three-cylinder petrol engine instead. That resulted in barking performance, making it the fastest junior hatch of its day. Steadfastly ignored in favour of the Ford XR2 and the Nova GTE, the Charade GTti will at least be remembered for being the most powerful 1.0-litre production engine ever made.

The expression ‘a Friday afternoon car’ used to describe an unreliable model thrown together in a hurry by workers with one eye on the weekend. These days cars are better than ever but motoring history is littered with ideas so bad they could only have been conceived on the unluckiest day of the year. Here we pick 13 cars that were so disastrous the very thought of them is enough to make a car company executive’s carefully coiffed hair go white with fright. Please rate this article at the bottom of the page - thanks.

Bugatti Royale
A disastrous Bugatti? Well yes if the model in question is the Type 41 or Royale, a 6.4 metre long luxury town car launched just in time to coincide with the Great Depression. Ettore Bugatti named it the Royale because he intended it to sell to European heads of state and it was certainly imposing enough, with a 4.3 metre wheelbase and weighing in at comfortably over 3000kgs. The car rode on cast alloy wheels big enough to do a gangsta rapper proud, 24 inches, and that bulk was propelled by a whopping 12.8 litre straight-eight engine. Despite each cylinder displacing the same volume as your average Ford Focus engine, that mammoth powerplant was fed by a single carburettor and produced just 300 horsepower. The car first hit the road in 1929, the year before the world economy went into freefall and the market for cars of any sort, let alone luxury behemoths collapsed. Just six were built and only half of them were sold, the rest remaining within Bugatti. The remaining engines were pressed into service as locomotive powerplants. The rarity does mean that owners have the last laugh, as they are now exceptionally valuable; Royales currently occupy 1st and 3rd place in the most-valuable cars league table; in 1987 a Japanese buyer paid a cool $8.7m for a Royale Kellner Coupe, and the lesser Berline de Voyager commanded $6.5m in 1986.


Ford Mustang II
There’s no denying that replacing a much-loved icon is no easy task but when Ford came to replace the Mustang, they apparently ignored everything that made the original the fastest selling sportscar in history. The Mustang II appeared in 1974, a decade after the original and despite being smaller was actually heavier than the original and based on the fatally flawed Ford Pinto (see below). To add insult to injury, the car was no longer available with a V8 but instead was powered, in a very loose sense of the word, by a 2.3 litre inline-four or a 2.8 litre V6. Ford was inundated with criticism from car buyers and the motoring press. Even when a V8 was introduced a year later, the oil crisis and emissions standards had strangled outputs to such an extent that the 4.9 litre engine produced just 122bhp. It didn’t feel that badly but the Mustang II never entered the public consciousness like its forebear.



Cadillac Seville
Another victim of the American auto industry suddenly waking up to their products’ dire fuel consumption in the 1970s was the Cadillac Seville launched in 1979. True, it was over 1000lbs lighter than its predecessor which was a start but as a further economy measure General Motors (GM) decided to install a 5.7litre V8 diesel engine from an Oldsmobile which produced just 105bhp. Based on a petrol engine, the motor wasn’t strong enough to cope with the higher stresses of diesel combustion which led to catastrophic failures of pistons, cylinder heads and even the cylinders themselves. Privately GM engineers advised that: “the oil should be changed every 3,000 miles and the engine every 30,000”. The petrol engine Cadillac introduced in 1981 was even worse however, a 6.0-litre V8 with a cylinder deactivation system which meant it could operate as a six or even four cylinder motor on a light throttle. Cadillac hailed it as a technological marvel but the computer power of the day clearly wasn’t up to the task leading to cars stopping dead on busy freeways or whilst climbing steep hills. The solution was for dealers to cut a couple of wires, bypassing the computer and leaving the engine running solely as a V8 and offering a heady 140bhp. The engine was dropped at the end of 1981.


Austin Maestro
The problem with identifying a truly dire British car from the 1970s and 80s is mainly one of narrowing the choice down to just one. Fixing one mistake by making another was typical of British Leyland and so it proved with the Austin Maestro, the replacement for the woeful Allegro. Development originally began in 1977 so by the time the car appeared in 1983 it was already out-of-date, not least in its boxy styling when the Ford Sierra and Vauxhall Astra were pioneering a smoother look. In a vain effort to make the car appear cutting edge, BL fitted it with an onboard computer and voice synthesiser to warn drivers of problems but which soon gained a reputation for crying wolf. The new fangled electronic ignition also had a mind of its own and the plastic bumpers would crack in cold weather, adding to the already shocking build quality problems. Amazingly the car struggled on in production until 1994 when new owners BMW finally saw sense and pulled the plug.


Lancia Beta
I must put my hand up at this point and admit to a bias as I am the owner of a Lancia Beta Coupe, which despite being a cracking car to drive, has, I admit, suffered from the ravages of tinworm. The first car to be designed after the Fiat takeover of Lancia in 1969, the Beta range of hatchback, saloon, coupe, convertible and three door sporting estate was launched in 1972. Featuring handsome styling, advanced suspension and a range of alloy twin cam engines the Beta should have been a roaring success. Sadly Fiat had done a deal with Lada which resulted in the cars being built from sub-standard Russian steel which took to the British climate like a Trappist monk to after dinner speaking. Horror stories of subframes collapsing and depositing engines onto the road led to Lancia buying cars back from owners and in truth the cars were probably no more rust prone than anything from British Leyland. The Beta lasted until 1984 but the damage to Lancia’s reputation in Britain was terminal and the marque withdrew from the UK market a decade later.


Caterham 21
Caterham Cars bought the rights to build Colin Chapman’s diminutive Lotus Seven sportscar in 1973. A process of continuous development saw the tiny tearaway develop into a real road rocket, capable of humbling far more exotic machinery. However many smiles-per-mile the Seven provides though, it is undeniably a compromise on comfort. To address this, on the 21st anniversary of the birth of the Caterham Seven, the firm announced it would build a ‘grown-up’ roadster, the 21. Based on the underpinnings of the Seven the 21 featured full bodywork, a proper windscreen, convertible hood and doors and went on sale at the British Motor Show in 1995. Ironically this was shortly after Lotus had revealed the Elise to great critical acclaim. Faced with this plus the better built Mazda MX-5 and MG-F, the kit-build 21 didn’t stand a chance. From a planned production run of 200 cars a year, only around 50 cars were built before the plug was quietly pulled.

Pontiac Aztek
Soft-roaders, which look like proper 4x4s but without having to lug around the weight of a four-wheel drive transmission are becoming increasingly popular. GM first explored the possibilities in 2001 but sadly they chose possibly one of the ugliest cars ever with which to do so. The Pontiac Aztek was based on an existing people-carrier platform which gave it odd proportions for an SUV but it was then topped off with a body of almost wilful ugliness with a huge Pontiac grille resembling a giant pair of nostrils, hideous plastic cladding for a ‘tough’ look and a the Pontiac signature ribbed effect to the bodywork. To add insult to injury the car was also too heavy and too expensive, the public stayed away in droves. GM had planned to sell 75,000 a year and needed 30,000 to break even. In its best year the Aztek sold just over 27,000 units and was dropped in 2005. Fortunately this means very few made it onto the roads and with any luck none will be on this side of the Atlantic.


Porsche 914
Proving that there is nothing new in the world of motoring, the Boxster wasn’t the first mid-engined Porsche roadcar and the Cayenne wasn’t the first hideous collaboration with VW. Porsche wanted an entry level model to slot in under the 911 and VW wanted a replacement for the glamorous Karmann Ghia. The two firms agreed to collaborate on the 914 which would be sold under both brands except in North America where Porsche was worried the VW association would harm sales. Launched in 1969, the car’s styling bore little resemblance to any Porsche before or since and could never be described as beautiful whilst the four-cylinder VW engine really wasn’t up to the task so while the handling may have been Porsche sharp, the performance wasn’t Porsche fast. Fitting the flat-six from the 911T to create the 914/6 helped but this made it dangerously close in price to the 911 and only just over 3,000 were made. The car never got over the stigma of association with VW and was dubbed the ‘poor man’s Porsche’. It soldiered on until 1975, two years before a new entry level Porsche, the 924 appeared.



Subaru XT
Before the all-conquering Impreza burst onto the scene, Subaru was known as a manufacturer of dependable pick-ups and estates much favoured by farmers for their ability to cross muddy fields carrying bales of hay. Hoping to sex up their image, Subaru took the well-trodden path of introducing a glamorous coupe to the range in 1985. Something seems to have been lost in translation however as the XT was about as sexy as Homer Simpson and full of almost deliberately odd features. The interior featured that 80s must-have, the digital dashboard but also a steering wheel with an L-shaped boss and a curiously phallic gearlever. The 1.8 litre engine featured loads of classic 80s turbo lag but little in the way of power, producing 111bhp. This however was still enough to overwhelm the switchable four-wheel drive system. The handling was made even more alarming if the adjustable ride height was raised, making the car roll like a yacht. Somehow Subaru managed to shift 100,000 of them but luckily very few in the UK.


Aston Martin Lagonda
In the mid 1970s, Aston Martin was once more nearly bankrupt and decided that the introduction of a luxury saloon would help keep the creditors at bay. William Towns was duly commissioned to design it and his amazing creation was unveiled at the 1976 British Motor Show, looking like a refugee from Tracy Island. Aston Martin took 170 orders at the show, helping keep it afloat but little did prospective buyers realise that it would be three years before deliveries commenced. The problem was that the car had been loaded with cutting edge electronics such as a digital dashboard and touch sensitive buttons which Aston simply couldn’t get to work reliably. Unfortunately the car was also rather overweight so even the 5.3 litre V8 struggled to move it with any alacrity and for such a huge car accommodation was tight. Amazingly the car struggled on until 1990 but just 645 were sold.


Chevrolet Corvair
Conceived in response to a flood of cheap European imports, the Chevrolet Corvair was a breath of fresh air in an American auto industry obsessed with fins and chrome. Handsomely styled with little glitz, the car featured a rear- mounted flat-six engine and independent suspension all round. Unfortunately it was the combination of the two that led to the car’s demise. Swing-axle rear suspension combined with soft American springs and slow steering meant the rear end could suddenly lose grip leading to a spin and in some cases to the car rolling over. In 1964 up and coming activist Ralph Nader wrote a book about the Corvair’s shortcomings, "Unsafe at Any Speed", which irreparably damaged the Corvair’s reputation and ushered in an era of stringent federal safety regulations. A suspension change and a restyle failed to redress this and by 1969 the car was selling just 6,000 examples and was dropped.

Ford Pinto
The Pinto was the blue oval’s attempt at a subcompact car to appeal to cost conscious motorists and featured unexceptional mechanicals and styling. Unfortunately a major design flaw was soon revealed when it was discovered that the fuel tank had been placed behind the rear axle and there was little in the way of crash protection behind it. This meant that if hit from behind there was a danger that the fuel tank could be crushed against the rear axle, rupturing it. This occasionally resulted in cars bursting into flames and 27 people lost their lives. Ford was soon faced with multi-million lawsuits and an equally costly safety recall. The car even spawned a bumper sticker that read: "If you hit me, we both die".

Jaguar XJ220
In the late 80s the supercar market was booming and everyone wanted a slice of the action. Wanting to compete with the likes of the Porsche 5 and Ferrari F40, Jaguar unveiled the XJ220 to a rapturous reception at the 1988 British Motor Show. The car featured svelte styling, scissor doors, a 6.2 litre V12 and four wheel drive while the 220 part of the name referred to the car’s top speed. Production was announced in 1989 with a list price of £360,000 and a deposit of £50,000 which plenty of people were prepared to pay. By the time the car had appeared in 1991 the scissor doors had been lost as had the four wheel drive and the V12 had become a 3.5litre V6 based on the one in the Metro 6R4 rallycar while the price had gone beyond £400,000. With impeccable timing the car was launched just as the global recession bit and the supercar market collapsed. Owners threatened to sue Jaguar so the company allowed them the option of buying out their contracts. Dozens of cars went unsold and it was still possible to pick up an unregistered XJ220 in 1997 for around half its list price.

I do intend to get some of my own articles up here now that I have time, instead of just pinching ones from elsewhere!

s'alright Cameron, lots of pinched stuff gets put on here. At least this thread's still going, some of the others have gone very quiet.

Had an inkling the limo idea was going to be a mistake and now know just how right I was Forget the feeling ill (don't have a clue about that yet, shall just have to be all kwell-ed up and therefore very dopey but what's new?!) but the whole planning has got totally mucked up.

It always seems to be me that is expected to make plans for my friends and then the odd time somebody else volunteers it all seems to go out the window

Get a PINK limo next time Jezi!