Mon 12 Jun 2006
TheScotsman
FIONA MCCADE
I THOUGHT we had already seen every permutation of freakery known to mankind on Big Brother, but as this seventh series progresses, it is becoming clear that this time, the producers have managed to surpass themselves - yet again. This season's 14-strong starting line-up included: a suicidal Glaswegian Wonder Woman impersonator; a porn star with 30M bosoms; a self-confessed "sexual terrorist"; a woman who says that she's only ever met three decent people, and two of them are dead; and my favourite, Bonnie, a girl so inept she couldn't even say her own name: "Heller, ahm Bonneh", "Um... hello Bonner". "Ner, ah said Bonnee" and so on, every time she met someone new. Maybe that's why she was kicked out on day nine.
Already, the class of 2006 have crammed more sex, revenge, loathing, and sub-Lord of the Flies lunacy into their first few weeks than previous groups have managed in three months. But what amazes me most about these people is not their fascinating eccentricities, or their bizarre antics. It's that after six years and seven series, they still haven't twigged that being the house fruitcake is never, ever the way to win Big Brother.
By now it should be obvious to anybody with an IQ greater than their chest measurement that the great British public is both conservative and predictable in its tastes and that a housemate only needs to fulfil a few simple criteria to steal the nation's heart.
So, if you end up on series eight, the golden rules are: be sympathetic; don't try too hard; and, most importantly, be yourself.
The winning candidate will always be somebody with whom people can empathise and identify, never the person who runs naked around the garden with pink feathers up their behind, singing I Want To Break Free. Keep your head down, be conciliatory, and spend long hours in the diary room repeating the mantra: "I'm just myself, I am. I'll never change." What the voters hate most is anybody who seems even slightly fake. If you're so outrageous that nobody can relate to you, it's over.
However, if you're a bit wacky, you can still win, so long as you're definitely the real deal. But if you're not, be sure those cameras will find you out. Observe the evidence. The first winner, Craig the builder, was game for a laugh but was also a nice, average bloke - the sort you'd trust to build your conservatory. Then came Brian, the Irish charmer who was almost too entertaining at first, but after struggling with which knife and fork to use at a dinner party ("I feel just like him off Titanic") his engaging vulnerability won the day. In 2002 it was Kate, the living embodiment of commonplace.
She was followed by Cameron, who was unusual because he had integrity and self-discipline. But, in spite of those drawbacks, watching him typify the innocent trapped in the madhouse was irresistible. Nadia, triumphant in 2004, wasn't an obvious winner because she was a mouthy, chain-smoking Portuguese transsexual, but she succeeded in convincing the voters she was a totally authentic mouthy, chain-smoking Portuguese transsexual, which was ultimately the most important thing.
And last year, we had Anthony, the bemused EveryLad who was the last man standing when the last of the freak parade had been evicted. Proof positive that by seeming sweet, decent and utterly unexceptional, you stand a good chance of winning, even if it's by default.
But God help you if you want to stand out, because the voters don't like that one little bit. They hate desperate performers. Flamboyant behaviour will get you so far - quite far, in fact. You can generally guarantee being kept on for a few weeks for entertainment value, but the fact remains that no real fruitcake has ever won.
The voting public will usually choose the housemate most like themselves - and so tend to go for the one most genuinely, amiably, bog-ordinary.
How long before somebody from this latest bunch of loony tunes works that out?
Perhaps I'm not seeing the bigger picture. Supposing this latest carnival of craziness is already out of control because nobody in there really cares if they win or not? And who could blame them, when Jade Goody - the richest and most famous ex-housemate of all - came in a poor fourth?
Watching this latest lot flaunt their eccentricities, I keep being reminded of Corporal Klinger from M*A*S*H. He was so desperate to get sent home from Korea, he wore women's clothing and behaved as outrageously as possible. He convinced no-one and by the end of the series, he was in uniform with everybody else.
Big Brother housemates should simply reverse this situation and learn the lesson. Klinger played the crazy card and lost, but didn't get kicked out. You, on the other hand, most certainly will.
