BB FANS

Never begin a boyfriend territory war with a woman who can bench-press twice your own body weight with one arm while simultaneously reapplying lipgloss. You will lose

Oh lord, I'm so tired of Dennis already. He's just plainly unpleasant. Well done Dennis, you sussed out the task. There's no need to be so plainly hateful about it and spread so many crappy vibes. Denis is 'on stage' all day long. It's like watching a 24 hour performance of Hairspray performed by the Bridlington Pie Crust Players. Make him stop.

Alex has been 'disrespected'. Not showing Alex respect is a huge, unquantifiable sin which needs everyone in the house to stop and rectify. Not that it can be rectified. Such is the very very big deal of not showing Alex respect.

Wait a moment Alex, what the hell are you going on about? You're a 23 year old accounts clark from Croydon and it's a small spat over knickers. Why is everyone acting terrified and you're ranting on and on and on angrily about disrespect? You don't know the meaning of the word, you stupid little girl.

Dale and Jen, Big Brother's most tedious coupling ever.

Jen is a huge fun vacuum. I loved watching her quizzing Dale the other day about 'her bad points and flaws'.

Poor Dale didn't have the sense to say, 'Are you mental!? You're flawless! I've just been on the phone to Gordon Brown, we're making you Queen of bloody Everything!' Instead, Dale ventured that Jen can be a bit dictatorial. STUPID BOY - EPIC FAIL. The next hour was a blur of tearful introspection. Well for Jen it was. Dale had zoned out, mentally placing another large tick on his 'CONS' box about why he perhaps shouldn't bother with women.

Sylvia is the sort of person who steals food then tells Mikey to stop 'eavesdropping' on her conversation (FYI, he's blind Sylvia, his life is one extended unintentional eavesdrop you insensitive simpleton), before standing there saying 'Yeah! I steal food! So what? Anyone got a problem with that?!'

Obviously, no-one speaks up. People know that she's far too dim and volatile to discuss a problem logically with.

Jen's head has been knocked silly just by the sight of Stu. He's taller, older, more confident, more alpha male and more 'Oh my god yes please shag me right now on the sofas, no i don't care if Kat is there playing food label top trumps with Luke, just do it.'

Plus Stu has a kid just like Jen does. He's Jen's perfect man. Within half an hour of Stu walking in dressed in leathers, Jen was already mentally moving sofa and wardrobes into Stu's flat, letting their kids play together and booking a lovely family holiday to Greece where they could try for a third baby to seal the deal.

Sorry Dale. IT IS OVER, BRUV. No amount of slumping about in sandals and sock with the boys from B Block 9 will mend this.

Being honest, if I had to sit through hours of Rachel talking in that 'Oooh gosh I'm very upbeat! Ooh wow isn't everything ok really and not at all crap!' voice, well I might be tempted to accidentally ram a giant token down her perma-optimistic throat.

Alex didn't 'get' Rachel. They were two polar opposites. Not so much, 'the glass is half empty/the glass is half full'. No. Rachel was more 'the glass is half empty, but I'm going to fool everyone that it's full by getting out a skipping rope and behaving a bit like a Primary School playground assistant who's just banged half an E with the mid- morning juice boxes'.

She's certainly got the awful Rachel bang to rights: -