I don't think Prince Philip will be given his vote to Paul Burrel
AFTER fake crocodiles, forced smiles and wannabe pretenders to the celebrity throne, this year's edition of telly's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! will feature a talking rock.
Self-portrait by Paul Burrell
This rock may or may not be wearing a ball gown, but it will in the course of its time on the show be at pains not to mention intimate details of its relationship with the Queen of Hearts - at least not those that could be published in any subsequent book.
This rock also, as the Star tells it readers, has feelings, and expresses a phobia for snakes and water - an odd fear for a rock on its way to a damp jungle seemingly replete with creeping and crawling things.
Some would say such creatures are the rock's natural bedfellows, but Paul Burrell (for that is its name) possesses other talents - or "special skills", as the Star has it.
Not only can this rock serve a mean cuppa on a silver salver and simper with the best of them, but he can build fires.
How he does this is left unsaid, and anyone wanting to find out will have to watch the show.
But don't rule out the prodigious use of matches and easy-burn books with titles like A Royal Duty and kindling made from unsold tickets to stage shows with names like Paul Burrell: In His Own Words and Hello Dolly!
One who won't be tuning in for survival tips, however, is Prince Philip who, according to the Sun, has ordered his wife and Our Majesty to "TURN IT ORF!" and not watch the odious Burrell at play.
The Prince has vowed not to follow Burrell on TV and wants Liz to follow suit - only she's putting up a fight.
"It's fair to say they have been arguments over who has the remote control," says a Royal insider, or rock as they are known in the business.
"Prince Philip cannot stand Paul Burrell. He will not watch a minute of it."
What, not when former cocaine addict and sometime model Sophie Anderton takes a dip in her bikini? Nor when underwear model Nancy Sorrell shows us how she got the job?
And not even to watch the aforementioned Burrell eat handfuls of cockroaches washed down with raw rat poo?
Even the Queen's prepared to forego Kirsty's Home Videos for one week...
Anorak
