From A Little Acorn... Next Tabloids story
FROM Katie Price and her gargantuan Jordans to pint-sized Peter Andre and his little acorn, 2004 was the year when reality TV began its slow slide into a TV footnote.
"First, measure out 5 fluid ounces of pig semen..."
The Australian Acorn released a single, Jordan threatened to release her doubles, and the world released a gasp as Big Brother’s Nadia unhooked her bra and finally let on that she was once a man.
The self-styled lip-gloss bitch had once been Jorge, a man just like those macho Jungle Cats.
Who can forget Ahmed (?), the snaggle-toothed refugee who gave us reason to wonder about this country’s immigration policy, and his mentor Jason, a man whose purpose in life was to play the eponymous hero in the Rocky Horror Show at the Macduff Arts Centre?
But while we lost sight of them, Nadia grew. Like Pete Andre, Nadia too saw reality TV as a springboard to pop stardom. From Top of The Swaps to Top of The Pops and her debut single.
A duet with Kerry McPadding is surely on the cards for our Nadia, as the jungle Queen emeritus looks for a new partner (for more on that read on).
And then Nadia and Kerry can appear on Back To Reality 2 - along with James Hewitt, the former lover of Princess Diana, who’ll be keen to defend the crown he won on the inaugural show.
Hewitt beat off the challenge of Craig Phillips, the Big Brother chippy who sounds as if he’s drowning in his own saliva, “Nasty” Nick Bateman, “Fat” Jade Goody, and “Huge” Rik Waller.
Gordon Ramsay, at least, should just be thankful that Waller didn’t get into his Hell’s Kitchen.
Those self-serving diners in his faux eatery had enough trouble keeping their food down as they smiled to camera and nattered with Angus Deayton without Weller’s massive barrier to digestion.
For the record the menu du jour in Gordon’s kitchen now follows:
Appetiser: Jennifer Ellison’s suggestive servings; Matt Goss’s sour grapes
Entrees: Soused Amanda Barrie on a (sick) bed of Roger Cook; Edwina Currie and James Dreyfus mince with Dwaine Chambers’ secret additives
(Bit on the) Side Order: Abi Titmuss; Stuffed Belindas of Carlisle
Puddings: Tommy Vance Space Cake; Al Murray mints
Drinks: The Villa neuf du pap;
Ramsay, that celebrity chef who, like that other odious reality creation Sharon Osbourne, has made swearing his entire act, might be disappointed that Rebecca Loos was not in his catering crew.
Her pork balls in special sauce are the stuff of legend. Forget the hygiene inspectors, it’s those Sex Inspectors that might like to study the footage of The Farm’s Ms Loos tossing off a pig.
Could this be why old David “Golden Balls” Beckham played so badly in Euro 2004? Did Rebecca put him off his stroke?
It might also account for Day-vid’s high-pitched squeal of a voice.
What Joe Pasquale’s reasons are can only be guessed at – although Paul Burrell is standing close by – and he’s wearing a pink-as-pig headband and rubbing some cream into his hands...
Anorak
