BB FANS

Ms Caplin is of course entitled to her opinion - let her crawl over shards of glass then. I think it's one of the best moves ever, having GG in the house, and as for the fee - it's nobody's business but the participants'.

Except when it is made public

Tuesday 11 January



Brigitte's not happy about the new Housemate

Mother In War

The arrival of an ex mother-in-law is enough to ruin anyone's party. And though Brigitte has been perfectly polite to Jackie's face, behind closed doors it's a different story.

"Oh my God, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me," sighed Brigitte as she warmed the bed for Queen Lisa. "I was so happy and now I'm miserable," she said.

"I can't be brilliant in the atmosphere," she explained to no one in particular.

Jackie retired early ("Well she is 102," as Lisa kindly pointed out), so the housemates were free to discuss the situation with Brigitte.

Caprice began proceedings, asking the ex-Bond girl about her ex-mother-in-law. "I want to know why she would say bad things about you," Caprice said. "She seems so nice, she speaks so well about you."

"She changes" warned Brigitte darkly.

Jackie has had nothing but praise for Brigitte since entering the house late last night. "I think she's been very big about it, very kind," Jackie said.

Back on the sofa, Kenzie still didn't quite get it. "I thought you two got on," he said. "It was weird when she came in and you recognised her," he told Brigitte, remembering Jackie's entrance.

"She's got a face you'd never forget," Brigitte muttered.

"Tell me about it man," Kenzie agreed.
Ch4

tuesday 11 January
Germaine considers her next move...



Germaine has been trying to lead the housemates in a revolt against Big Brother.

The feisty public speaker did her best to stir up rebellion amongst the other housemates when Big Brother decided not to draw the bedroom blinds leaving the sleepy housemates bathed in light.

"There's a revolution going on," Germaine roared. "I will give you Big Brother's balls for breakfast" the Royal Cook promised.

Germaine decided that the best way to upset Big Brother would be to throw Queen Lisa's crown onto the roof.

Unfortunately for Germaine, Lisa has grown quite fond of her crown.

"I don't think we should trash the place," the Queen told Germaine, keeping a firm grip on her golden headwear. "My crown," she snapped defensively, not loosening her hold for a second.

"Don't buy into that crap," Germaine told her. "Throw it in the Jacuzzi".

Goody two shoes Jeremy was shocked by Germaine's rebellious suggestions. "I'm a good sport," he said primly. "I always have been".

Caprice suggested that ditching the costumes altogether might be the best idea. "We dress in our own clothes and we say f**k you," she said.

But Germaine wanted to take things a step further. "Why don't we take off our clothes and sit here naked?" she asked.

The others seemed non-committal at Germaine's suggestion and the conversation quickly turned to other subjects, namely what's eating Brigitte.

So Germaine's rebellion has been forgotten for now, but who knows when the fires of revolution will burn again, and how Big Brother will deal with the insurgents.

Ch4

Monday 10 January
See they're watching us!
Jackie Stallone has been given a tour of her new home, and it's difficult to say who's more shocked - the new celebrity housemate or her ex-daughter-in-law, Brigitte.

The former Mrs Stallone recovered her composure impressively after initial shock at the arrival of her erstwhile mother-in-law. And in no time at all, Brigitte initiated a guided tour for Jackie, mother of Sylvester.

Jackie was not impressed with what she saw.

"I don't think I'm going to get what I'm used to," gasped a stunned Jackie as she cast her heavily made-up eyes over the Big Brother living room.

Nor was she taken with the bathroom facilities.

"This looks like a stable," she commented, looking disdainfully towards the shower cubicle.

The sleeping arrangements were the final straw.

"Do I have to have one of these crappy beds?" she asked, pointing at a single. "You all deserve a medal!"

Brigitte chain-smoking on the sidelines


The worst was yet to come, when the gold clad grandma realised that cameras would be watching her every move.

"Do you understand the concept of the programme?" enquired a diplomatic Jeremy, as it became embarrassingly apparent that the newcomer wasn't overly familiar with the idea behind Big Brother.

"Who is Big Brother?" she wondered. "Is there a private room somewhere?" she proceeded to demand, unable to believe that she'd be filmed while asleep.

Despite her apparent distaste for the idea of being watched around the clock, Jackie was soon slipping off her fur coat and making herself at home by doing palm readings for Bez and Kenzie.

Brigitte, meanwhile, was doing her very best to stay alive in the wake of the blast from her past.

Chain-smoking on the sidelines, she proffered a limp wrist for Germaine to take her pulse.

Ch4

Monday 10 January


Queen Lisa has led a major bedroom bitching session directed at feminist icon of the group, Germaine.

While the lady in question prepared the evening meal, Lisa, Brigitte, Caprice and Bez gathered in the bedroom to air their dissatisfaction with Germaine.

"I don't wanna be lectured at," snapped Lisa, as she told her colleagues about an exchange she'd had with Germaine on the subject of penetrative sex - something Germaine feels women don't get much satisfaction from.

Both Lisa and Brigitte chipped in to complain that they had not been able to add anything to the chat without Germaine ticking them off.

You talking about me?


Bez tried his best to defend the absentee. "She said this morning [that] she is struggling," he reasoned.

But the girls weren't letting up. "So bloody what?" demanded Lisa. "We all are [struggling]."

Tongues froze and the subject swiftly changed when, halfway through their chit chat, Germaine strolled into the bedroom.

But once she'd left the room, the girls were back on her case - Lisa vehemently disagreeing with Germain's earlier stance that it's hard to be a woman in this day and age.

"It's a great time to be a woman!" she insisted.
Ch4

Tuesday 11 January

"I look like a duck!"



A stunned Brigitte has learned that not only will she be sharing living space with her former mother-in-law, but she'll also be responsible for ensuring Jackie Stallone's backside is warm enough.

In her role as Royal Warmer for the duration of the Court of Big Brother task, Brigitte will be responsible for heating up the toilet seat, each and every time Sly Stallone's mum wishes to pass water.

Newcomer Jackie has been assigned the role of Queen Mother, and was delighted to learn that she'd be given the same VIP treatment as Queen Lisa.

Her meals will be prepared by Royal Chef, Germaine, and eaten on a throne. A Royal Dresser (Caprice) will be at her side every morning and evening to attend to her wardrobe. She has first choice of which bed to sleep in. And last, but not least, her former daughter-in-law will be ensuring no trip to the toilet runs a risk of chilblains.

"I wouldn't mind a cold seat," stated Jacqui. "But I'd like a private room," she went on.

Brigitte patiently explained the importance of abiding by the rules and mucking in. "We are only allowed three fails a day," she warned.

As the Royal household shuffled into pecking order, the Queen Mumma got ready to be crowned.

A throne was carried from the Store Room, while Caprice took her Majesty into the bedroom to dress her in regal robe.

"You look fabulous. Watch your boobies don't pop out," murmured Caprice as she eased Jacqui into a gold, smock-breasted, floor-length gown and positioned her crown.

Jackie was dubious. "I look like a duck!" she insisted.

Ch4

Tuesday 11 January

John points the finger of suspicion

John Snaps



After two days of virtual silence, John has once more made his presence felt, after a practical joke went horribly wrong.

Unbeknown to the fan of fizzy drinks, naughty housemates Jeremy and Kenzie had chain-locked the fridge, cutting John off from his vital supplies.

On discovering the locked fridge, John flew into a frenzy, and, assuming Big Brother was behind it, stormed off to the Diary Room to have words.

But he soon had to eat said words, after Big Brother told him in no uncertain terms that he had his wires crossed.

As it slowly dawned on John that he had pointed the finger of blame in the wrong direction, he muttered a sheepish apology, before stomping back out into the Lounge to let off steam at the real rogues.

Okay... I admit it was me


"This is not funny!" he yelled at his housemates. "It's thoughtless. Your jokes are not funny!"

"Don't do that ever again," he hissed, when Caprice had the audacity to apologise. "NEVER play practical jokes on me again."

Unwilling to see poor old Caprice get the blame, Kenzie jumped in and admitted he had cooked up the idea to try in an effort to lighten the mood.

A series of apologies helped calm John's ferocious temper and after helping himself to a drink from the unlocked fridge he began to mellow.

"John, you saved the day," decided Jackie, explaining that, for her, his moody outburst had broken up an otherwise uneventful evening.
Ch4

Wednesday 12 January



In the blue corner...

Heavy Weight?


Certain people, namely Jackie, haven't been pulling their weight around the House according to John.

John was careful not to disturb the slumbering Jackie earlier in the morning, but as soon as she was up and about requesting breakfast, he let rip.

"You do nothing round here. You're completely wrapped up in yourself," he growled.

Not looking the slightest bit bothered, Jackie calmly replied, "You're right. I've contributed zilch. It's not my goal in life to organise a group of kiddies."

Determined to kick-start her into action, John continued to berate her. "You can't be pathetic all your life," he fumed.

Lisa soon stepped in to stop the bickering. "Don't be rude, John," she warned. "She's had nothing to do."

...In the red corner


Yet Jackie feels John isn't doing all he could for her either. "Do you think I'm here to please you? I haven't noticed one person come into my bedroom and offer me a cup of tea."

As well as the odd cuppa she seems to be expecting a little light entertainment from John as well. "I thought you were some genius journalist or something," she said disappointedly. John quickly denied that he would be delivering any mind-blowing lectures.

"You mean to tell me I'm in a house full of morons?" she wailed.

No prizes for guessing what John's answer was.
Ch4

Bez makes his feelings known



John might have started to talk again, but some of the housemates are beginning to wish he'd renew his vow of silence.

Seated in the living room, Caprice, Bez and Brigitte pondered the wonders of their eccentric housemate as the others slept in the bedrooms. "It's funny how John just switched right back on again," mused Bez with a smile.

"He's just so bizarre," said Caprice, lounging on the sofa as Brigitte hit the nail on the head. "It's like a radio you can't switch off," she sighed.

"You can really tell he hasn't spoken for a few days," continued Brigitte as the tired trio reflected on a full day of John's verbal diarrhoea, including his obsession with the fridge, his constant moan for fizzy drinks and his appalling table manners.

Is silence golden?


The three then giggled like school kids, beside themselves with thoughts of the racing pundit. "I don't know what's better," laughed Caprice. "Silence or him talking!"

Ch4

While You Weren't Sleeping


A restless Bez made a late plea for booze whilst enjoying a sneaky bacon sandwich during the early hours.

Bez was one of the last housemates to go to bed after a gossiping session with Caprice and Brigitte. But he was up and about at 2.30am, getting busy in the kitchen and wandering aimlessly round the House as the others slept.

Bez had sidled up to a camera and mimed a drinking action, hoping Big Brother would get the message and send him a nightcap, only to find that the Big Brother bar was closed.

The remedy to his insomnia would seem to be a simple one: booze and plenty of it. Earlier, he told Caprice that a drink before bedtime could help him get to sleep.

Bez kicks insomnia in to touch


And in the absence of a tipple, it seemed the wacky dancer just couldn't sleep, making do with a cup of tea, returning to slumber an hour later.

Ah, sweet dreams Bez. Goodness only knows what you're dreaming of!
Ch4