A SHOT IN THE FARM
FRIDAY at The Farm and the housemates have just heard the latest news. The biggest pig is about to be slaughtered.
A bit harsh considering Dallas dwarf Charlene Tilton, 93, and porn star Cicciolina, 94, are the ones up for eviction.
It's been fun on the farm all week. And talk about a shot across the bows for Big Brother VI and Celebrity Love Island.
It began with Emma Noble rather aptly arriving in a horse box and ended with Cicciolina (Daryll Spannah) giving a gloriously nonsensical Claudio Ranieri-like interview as she became the first casualty.
I say first casualty, but that's not strictly true.
Because it's a big R.I.P. to the self-respect of five's very own Dermot O'Nearly, Ed Hall, who despite being been ditched as main host has returned like David Brent hanging around Wernham Hogg. To do the voiceover.
A sad state of affairs. Made even more tragic by the fact that Ant & Dec neverbes Justin and Colin (Pant & Feck) are every bit as useless.
Property gurus they may be. But give 'em an autocue and they're autoclueless. And here's a tip for ya, fellas - blithely claiming everything is "fantastic' or "brilliant" or even "absolutely brilliant" might do it for the morons who buy Heat magazine but for most intelligent viewers it's fantastically, brilliantly, absolutely irritating. So stop it.
Luckily, the farm itself is a much better place.
A place where porn star Ron Jeremy (Stan Ogden) regularly takes two bottle blondes into the shower.
Where Hip Hop bigot Flavor Flav swings between mellow Bill Cosby-like moments of philosophy and full-on Pepperami Animal madness.
Where Emma B can say "I'm gonna weigh two stone when I come out of here" and you assume that means she's gonna put weight ON.
Where Cicciolina, Emma B and Keith Harris's duck Orville have been involved in a three-way "whose lips are most plastic?" contest.
Where Wednesday night's pig-catapulting could only have been funnier if they'd used real pigs.
Where someone actually kept a straight face when asking "boy band, idle" Mikey Green how he's going to survive for two weeks without music.
And where Jessie Wallace's sparring partner Dave Morgan almost showed her exactly what she's missing when he took a shower on Friday.
But above all The Farm is a place where five have broken every reality show rule by casting a ventriloquist and his dummy.
A potential torpedo for sure. But it's been a whole week now and, amazingly, the joke's still working.
And, ooh, I rate that duck.
Sundaymirror
