BB FANS

Famous lost words


They're having a spelling test on Celebrity Love Island (ITV1). Calum Best has been given the word celebrities to spell. That shouldn't be hard, he is one after all. "C, E, L, E... " he begins, promisingly. Then he breaks with tradition and comes straight in with an I.

But Calum realises he's done something wrong, possibly because the better spellers among the others have their heads in their hands. "No, wait, let me start that again," he says.
He does get there in the end, mainly because the others are drawing big Bs and Rs in the air for Calum, terrified they're going to be turned into celeities. On Celeity Love Island. But then Calum comes a cropper on foie gras, which he turns into foi grous.

Calum's own claim to celeity is that his father is an ex-footballer. Some of the others actually used to be something themselves - there are a few ex-soap stars in there, an ex-footballer, a current footballer's ex-girlfriend. I have no idea who Fran Cosgrove is or ever was, except that he used to be on another celebrity reality TV show.

And that's the thing, these people have become a whole new species. They're people who possibly once did something - appeared in a soap opera, or shagged someone - and now they drift around from one celebrity reality show to another. Abi Titmuss, who's reportedly being paid £100,000 to be on this one, was in Gordon's kitchen; before that she got jiggy with a disgraced TV presenter. Isabella Hervey used to be an It girl, then she put a tracksuit on and did The Games. Rebecca Loos claims she had an affair with a footballer, then she went down on The Farm where she had a pop at a footballer but ended up giving manual relief to a pig.

The Farm, incidentally, is also running at the moment, back for a second series. So if you get bored of the love island you can switch to Five to see what's going on down there. But how do you top a footballer's self-proclaimed ex-girlfriend tossing off a pig? Well, last time I looked, the ex-wife of the son of a former prime minister was blowing turkey semen down a straw into the back of a girl turkey. I get really cross when people say TV is all rubbish these days and there's nothing to watch.

Anyway, back to the love action in Fiji. The idea of this show is clearly to get people to try to combine their old careers (in the case of the shaggers) with their new ones - being on celebrity reality shows. What they want is the first on-screen celebrity shag. So two of them get voted into the love shack every couple of days. First in are Paul, who used to be in Hollyoaks, and Isabella, who used to go to parties.

"Oh look," shouts Paul when he sees the beautiful, exclusive part of the hotel he and Isabella have got all to themselves for 48 hours.

"Wicked," squeals Isabella.

"Yeah man. Oh my God."

"How nice is this?"

"It's like we're in the love shack man, you know. Oh babe, let's have some champagne. Cheers, darling."

"Cheers."

"Wicked."

"We've got the whole place to ourselves."

And then there's a slight pause as the horror of their situation sinks in: they've only got each other for company, and neither of them has got a single interesting thing to say about anything. It's going to be a very long 48 hours if they don't have that shag.

The highlight of the whole thing so far for me was when a paparazzi boat appeared on the horizon. All of them pretended to be outraged while jostling for the best position to be photographed in and touching up their hair. Paul said that Tony Blair or whoever's in charge at the moment (FYI, it is Tony Blair, Paul) should do something to protect the privacy of people like them. I love that - you go on a reality TV show, where there are cameras everywhere, even in the loveshack where they're hoping for the first on-screen celebrity shag. And you moan about privacy. You stupid little twerp.

The only good news in the celebrity/reality world is that ITV has got a new show called Celebrity Shark Bait later this summer. Presumably it's all the same ex-soap stars and shaggers, but this time they get lowered in a cage into the sea off South Africa for face-to-face encounters with great white sharks. Only one question: why bother with the cage? guardian

Paulie is quite cringeworthy.I felt really sorry for Izzy.

Isabella needs to tell Paul to stop with the sexual harassment He is a creep, he seems to think if he showers a girl with compilments she has to let him paw her and even worse.....have sex with the obnoxious little git!




Celebrity Hate Island


Dreary Abi has seriously backfired
The brain-sapping misery that is Celebrity Love Island has received an hilarious and richly-deserved pasting from the Mirror's TV hatchet man, Jim Shelley.

Frankly, having watched the nauseating, narcissistic guffage through its first three, interminable days, the poor chap sounds exhausted.

But thankfully he's mustered the energy amid the misery of the blanket coverage to weigh in with some killer blows to the wretched money-spunking sandy madness.

He hates bleating, self-absorbed, ex-Hollyoaks airhead Paul 'who?' Danan, the man who makes Fran Cosgrave look like an intellectual heavyweight.

Shelley also reckons "CLI makes The Farm look like The Sopranos" while "(Abi) Titmuss has all the appeal of a barmaid at the local rugby club".

As for the hosts of the reality gubbins, pin-eyed Ulsterman Patrick Kielty and bemused autocutie Kelly 'Back off Billy Zane' Brook, Shelley snipes: "The lack of sexual chemistry between them has been excruciating - Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood with sunstroke."

And he urges one essential ingredient that the dim producers have overlooked: "There's GOT to be suffering - that's why I'm A Celebrity does so well."

Something really painful, like Calum Best being forced to attempt a quick crossword, that sort of thing.

If not, then, make it stop, now - for ours and Mr Shelley's sakes.
megastar

Viewers fall out of 'love' with island


ITV was yesterday forced to defend Celebrity Love Island after ratings fell by more than a million.

The second episode of the £15million reality show, which features 'celebrities' such as Abi Titmuss and Rebecca Loos battling it out for £100,000 prize money, had an average of four million viewers - down from 5.3million on Monday night.

It was even beaten by BBC1's Ten O'Clock News, as only one in five of the available audience tuned in.

Nevertheless ITV insisted that it was 'very, very pleased' with the show.

A spokesman said it had done 'fantastically well' for its 10pm slot. 'Normally we get only about two to three million viewers at that time,' she said.

However the ratings slump leaves ITV bosses with a significant headache.

As well as having invested millions of pounds, the channel has committed itself to broadcasting the show in prime time every night for the next five weeks.

Last night viewers saw hopes fade of romance between ex-Hollyoaks actor Paul Danan and Lady Isabella Hervey. Despite being locked together in the Love Shack, the It-girl proved immune to Danan's charms.
thisislondon

Celebrity Love Island - Abi Titmus good for a rub down


Back at the main villa, Abi has turned into the house masseuse. She starts by giving Calum a sensual massage on the bed before moving onto Fran. And later, after he has massaged her feet, she returns the compliment to Michael.

When talking about nursing and her hopes for a new career after Celebrity Love Island, Abi says: “I miss the sense of purpose and the sense of fulfilment (from nursing). I was never going to be a nurse forever.

"I decided it wasn’t for me and I was going to try acting which is why I went to drama classes.” Michael confesses he fancies Abi. Michael reveals he has the hots for Abi, saying 'She’s funny, quirky and she doesn’t think she is the poodle’s doodles!'
He even confesses his feelings to Calum before going into the Beach Hut to discuss his feelings for the blonde babe.
“She is funny, I love that quality in a woman, one that can make me laugh, a bit quirky, bit off the wall. She is an attractive girl but she doesn’t know it, she doesn’t walk around knowing it.

"She doesn’t think she is the poodle’s doodles, she is funny and makes me laugh, and I like her. I love little things...she is very quick-witted and she comes out with things that I am thinking.

"I am a bit slow at the moment, bit lethargic, she comes out with things that are a bit random. She has that laugh - her laugh is a kind of giggle. Not a girlie giggle, but a very kind of sedate giggle that is really cute and nice.” femalefirst

Celebrity Love Island - Isabella offended by Pauls reaction

“I never did anything to lead him on. I thought he would know by the way I was acting that all I wanted was friendship.

“He said ‘Why are you even here then, it’s not as if I want to **** you?’ I felt a bit sick. Now I feel like he doesn’t even value me as a person. I feel a bit taken aback, a bit shocked by what he said.

"I feel like he really laid into me. He expected to get it on with someone but if I don’t feel the same then what am I supposed to do about it?"
Paul went to bed at 8.40pm leaving Isabella having dinner on her own.

In a dramatic twist, Isabella will be offered the chance to swap Paul with the boy who came second in the race to the Love Shack, Calum Best.

Will his actions over the past 24 hours mean that Isabella will be keen to give Paul the flick? femalefirst

Celebrity Love Island - Day Three: End Of A Beautiful Relationship?

Another day together in the Love Shack and the strain begins to show for Paul and Isabella. Is he pushing things too far and is Isabella only looking for friendship?

Meanwhile, one of the lads declares a real attraction for another 'celebrity islander' and Lee and Jayne appear to get even cosier.

When Isabella is in the love swing early in the morning, Paul slumps down next to her and kisses her on the shoulder.
There’s an awkward moment a while later when Isabella says she fancies falling asleep in the sunshine. Paul replies: “That would be boring for people to watch, you falling asleep in the sunshine.”

Isabella snaps back: “F*** that, I can’t always be entertaining.”

Paul looks increasingly bored in the Love Shack as Isabella fails to give him much attention. He mooches around, performing hilarious robotic dance moves and talking to himself.

Later, Isabella reveals how she has been treated badly by men in the past. Paul says: “Babe, that’s not right, I’m gonna kill them all. Give me their names, I’ll get their legs broken.”

In the Beach Hut he later says: “I wish we were getting on a bit better. She is not very affectionate towards me so I don’t think anything is going to happened which is a shame.

"Maybe it’s just not meant to be. I feel in a way like we have wasted the Love Shack. She just wants to lie there, close her eyes and get some sun. She doesn’t fancy me. It’s obvious. I don’t want to get down about it but she doesn’t want to know.

"I am gutted that it has gone that way. I’m not bothered any more to be honest. F*** it, that’s how I feel. I am gonna move on. There are another five beautiful girls in there so bring it on!” femalefirst

So he hasn't gone in there for just one thing then?

has it been axed from primetime, yet? like Celeb Wrestling?

Thu, May 19, 2005
Megastar

As the ratings dip on Celebrity Love Island at the same speed Abi Titmuss’ gut grows, it’s great to see internet pirates are still alive and well.

The reality TV wars are coming, with ITV’s island non-shag fest going head-to-head with the launch of Big Brother next Friday.

And one miffed individual, who owns the web address http://www.celebrityloveisland.com is redirecting all traffic to Big Brother.

According to mediaguardian.co.uk, ITV bosses made a “pitiful offer” of £300 to Kevin Coates, the owner of the site, who criticised the channel for not registering the web site.

"It's just a wind-up. The programming they produce is absolute dross. When these people think up these shows the first thing they should do is go register the domain name," he told the web site.

"Then when they offer you a pitiful amount of money for the domain name, it's an insult.

“For something of such strategic importance to a broadcaster you would think they would be a bit more tuned in, especially if they are looking to license this programme format overseas."

After he rejected the offer, Coates redirected traffic to the Big Brother site which according to reports, has had a surge in traffic.

That twit from Hollyoaks, Paul, made me want to destroy my TV, nevermind want to switch it off.

When will the students who run TV realise that there are only 4 reality shows that work & pull in the viewers.

Big Brother - past it's sell-by date but will get an average of 5million viewers.
IACGMOOH - again, well past it's sell-by date but will get an average of 8-10million.
Strictly Come Dancing - safe, twee, saturday night TV from the beeb which is nice & gets 6-7million viewers.
Pop-Idol/X-Factor - reliable ITV1 fodder which will get good audience figures of 6-10million.

Elsewhere, 'reality' TV is a dying format.

Celebrity Wrestling wasn't even a 'reality' TV show - it was a sports format - and underrated, in my opinion.

It wasn't my cup of tea, but those involved gave it their all.

If you call half hour at ten prime time no it hasn't.Cant decide who's worse?The contestants,the presenters or me for being sad enough to watch this b****cks

AS a TV critic, I've watched a lot of mad, bad Reality TV. Rebecca Loos pleasuring a pig, Paul Burrell swallowing a kangaroo's testicle, Richard Blackwood's enema on Celebrity Detox.

But Celebrity Love Island is so bad, you can actually feel your brain cells eroding while you glare at it.

It's so utterly misconceived and vacuous, it makes Celebrity Wrestling look good. It makes The Farm look like Animal Farm.

How much do I hate it ? Let me count the ways:

AT the heart of this giant, rotting TV turkey is the concept, which is basically Celebrity Blind Date meets Survivor - two shows, by the way, that have both been axed.

The only people who have fallen for this pitch are the poor saps who are on it - hence we have to put up with drivel from Rebecca Loos, Abi Titmuss and Jayne Middlemiss asking each other if they "expect to find love on the island".

Love? On a reality TV show with 12 unemployed nobodies desperate to become celebrities? Do me a favour.

All day it's, "Do you think Abi fancies Fran"? "Do you think Jayne fancies Lee"? Look, Abi fancies EVERYONE. So does Calum while Sharpie doesn't give a sh*t.

SOPPY nuts Paul Danan meanwhile told us: "Isabella seems like she would be really loyal and really love you."

Ignoring the fact that a moron like Danan would express exactly the same sentiment about his pet goldfish, what he really means is he wants to shag her - the real concept behind the show.

This, in a way, is even more stupefying.

First, because if any two of the 12 assembled dimwits DO start having sex with each other, ITV won't be able to show it anyway.

And secondly, it wouldn't be particularly unusual. Sad non-celebrities like this lot cop off with each other at Panagea or Chinawhite night clubs every other Saturday.

For the rest of this article Mirror

I`m wondering who watches the live feed of this . I`m not watching any of it but when I flick onto the live feed its just two people laying on a beach i get bored when i`m lying on the beach so watching someone laying on a beach well

You can catch Celebrity Wrestling on Sunday mornings now Adrian......