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englands cry for help
The FA
25 Soho Square
London W1 4FA
Dear Sir,
Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-G°Òran- Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of
our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have
qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so
that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup.
As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup
and the Ashes, England’s success boosts all British nations and we know
how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our
ancient nations together.
To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any
information, which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it,
you understand, but one never knows.
What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you
may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles
of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, latin diving,
teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice
of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Carribean forming
a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In
the capital here we find it quite extraordinary!
I know well you all take delight in the support of England whenever any
of you manage a shock result and am sure of the same fullsome support
from you chaps in this instance.
You remain, hopefully, our humble servants
Brian Barwick
The Football Association of Wales
11 / 12 Neptune Court,
Vanguard Way,
Cardiff CF24 5PJ
CYMRU
Dear Mr Barwick,
Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are
your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you
more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody
else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote
areas all over rural Wales in celebration.
As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translaed
from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I
had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab
Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.
I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation
which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing
arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players
instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be
targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes
diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity
of your only hope.
As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.
Twll dîn pob Sais
Mervyn Miseri
FA Ireland
80 Merrion Square
Dublin 2
Ah Brian how’s it going
All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye
know that?
We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff
about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have
anyhow.
I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English
Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided
it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting
the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the
Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of
the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118,
1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten
all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin
and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine
and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought
in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars.
Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our
land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will.
However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with
seamus insert name of whoever the bastrds are playing and so
therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided.
As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send
over young Wayne’s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a
birthday card?
Yours as ever
Seán Ó Blarney
The Scottish Football
Association
Hampden Park
Glasgow
G42 9AY
Dear Brian,
F*ck off you English c*nts
Hamish McSporran
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