BB FANS

With meaning to be rude, that's what he gets paid for. That is a presenters job. He should be able to handle it or let someone else do it.

I know I'm biased in that I don't like his presenting style, but at the end of the day Alan even you are flagging his bad points. He's just not good enough sorry.

Hmmm, thank you for convincing me of his bad points by making me state them myself.

Nah, for all those negatives I listed, his positives, which I also listed (and to think my school report card said I was 'listless'! no teacher, try 'SLEEPING!'), Brand is still the man(-child) for the job.

Tell me, who could replace him and avoid the perilous trap of (falling into) turning BBBM into no more than a 30-minute bore-fest consisting of asking the "15-minutes-of-fame hungry wannabees" studio audience to state the bleedin' obvious about BB?

I know why you really hate Brand Merx. You're just jealous that he is now dating Moss.

But you needn't be. Here's Bagpuss' guide to making you're very own Kate Moss:

- collect one kitchen mop

- collect one skull (either a fake one from a joke shop or a real one from a local graveyard. NB. pick a grave where the occupant died 30+ years ago, it's messy otherwise, trust me)

- stick skull onto said mop, using the cleaning end to substitute for hair (I think this is what the real Moss does, judging by the state of her hair, and Brand too for that matter!)

- grind down a packet of Anadin pills into a fine, white powder, sprinkle some around the nose cavities of the skull, place the rest in a clear polythene bag and tape to the mop pole, half-way up

- get a sheet of A4 paper, write down the details of a very lucrative contract from some stupid company with more money than morals, and tape this also to the mop pole

Hey Presto! Your very own Kate Moss!

Female/gay/romance-craving readers may want to build in addition, or as an alternative, the accompyaning Ken for this model. aka The Brand. To do so, merely repeat the instructions above, this time using boot polish or other colourant to dye a jet black, the cleaning end of the mop.

(advanced 'build-your-own-druggie' hobbyists may stick various hyperdermic needles into the mop handle where and as desired as for effect.)

Hmm....this kitchen floor is in a terrible state. Now, where did I put that mop?

Knowing you, ya number 1 BRANDIE!!! you probably took it to bed last night!

Kinky gerbil!!