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And what the hell am I supposed to do with a monkey, Scotslass? lol

See you in the pub

30 May 2006
WHAT A GREAT BIG LETDOWN
Polly Hudson is standing in for Jim Shelley this week
Polly Hudson
I'VE loved Big Brother since the very first series. I'm not even ashamed to admit it any more.

I get excited about a month before, throw launch and eviction night parties and happily give up summer after summer, fascinated and obsessed by the housemates.

But this year, something has gone very wrong. Actually, everything has gone very wrong.

There will always be snooty people who criticise the programme - usually never having watched it - for appealing to the lowest common denominator and generally being a freak show.

But by the end of each series, Big Brother has generally defied all critics and provided us with an intriguing insight into human psychology, some laugh out loud moments and challenged a few stereotypes along the way.

This year, though, it seems to have given up.

The casting is a disaster and I'm bitterly disappointed. Usually there are at least five housemates who make you say, "My God, where did they find them?" But this year it's like the producers went to a Yates's Wine Lodge and just grabbed the first 14 people they saw.


Never mind the jaw-dropping laziness of putting cosmetically-disfigured nervous-breakdown-waiting-to-happen Lea in the house, they've also added two useless, bland girls who are practically the same person - Grace and Imogen.


Granny-faced spoilt brat Nikki is a cut above them, but you could find a dozen girls like her on the high street of any British town on a Saturday afternoon.


The gays are stereotypes. Richard, a self-confessed "sexual terrorist" (looks like Gay Dan from Year 5, acts like Gay Josh from Year 2) and the victim, unlamented Shahbaz (BB5's gay Marco with issues).


People have said they find Tourette's sufferer Pete uncomfortable viewing because they can't help but wonder if we're laughing at him or with him. I don't have that dilemma. I'm just not laughing, simple as that.


How Mikey got into the house will forever be one of life's great mysteries. There is absolutely nothing to him. And don't get me started on manic Manc Lisa!


There's no one warm, likeable, funny or clever - even in a manipulative way.


But never mind liking any of this year's lot (though it is important to have someone to support). What's really worrying is that I can't even be bothered to truly hate any of them. I find myself thinking back almost fondly to the days when I despised Jason Cowan from BB5. I can't imagine any of this year's housemates ever inciting such a passion.


Think back to people like Makosi, Brian, Anna the nun, Narinder, Victor, BB4's Anoushka, Michelle Bass. OK, you wouldn't want to live with any of them, but they made compelling viewing. Multi-layered characters, you never knew what they'd do or say next.


But you cared. And that's my problem with BB7. I don't care about a single one of those people - and believe me, I've tried. Hard.


At the end of each nightly instalment, you feel like you've just watched the worstever episode of Hollyoaks.


Housemates talk about farting and "banging" then show each other their genitals, to shrieks of hilarity.


Some of them have cynically paired up already, sharing beds on the second night, knowing that the public loves a romance but forgetting that there needs to be some shred of authenticity to it. Suddenly Maxwell and Saskia from BB6 look like Romeo and Juliet.


Big Brother himself has gone from the witty, cheeky, in-joker of last year to a mumbling, bored geezer who sounds like he'd rather be at home. And the tasks are the most unimaginative in the world (design a T-shirt that reflects a housemate's personality. Zzzzzz). The producers seem to have forgotten that this is series 7.


We viewers are Big Brother-literate by now and we need some twists, turns and clever shocks to make us take notice.


Maybe the producers were so scared of Soccer Aid, Celebrity X Factor and Love Island that they've ignored hardcore fans.


Who knows? Maybe the new housemates, added last night, and the Golden Ticket winner will turn out to be inspired choices. Maybe they'll find a way to get rid of the useless people, change the group dynamic and turn things around.


I seriously hope so. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to love this series in a week's time. Because if they don't do something, it's gonna be a loooooong summer.