YOU BETTER SHAPE UP!
EXCLUSIVE: GREASE BOSS DAVID IAN UNLOADS ON HIS FELLOW JUDGES
THE feud between the T-Birds and the Scorpions seems like a silly squabble compared to the ructions rocking the Grease Is The Word judging panel - especially when it comes to the two Davids, Mr Ian and Mr Gest.
David Ian is so irked by Liza Minnelli's ex that he has considered walking off the ITV1 Saturday night talent show, which aims to discover a Sandy and Danny from among thousands of hopefuls for his new West End production of Grease.
It's not just the name-calling that has rattled his cage (Gest said he had a pea-sized brain). David feels his namesake is simply not taking the auditions seriously.
And given that his reputation as the most powerful man in theatre is at stake here, it's no wonder the mere mention of Gest's name is enough to spark a red-faced rant.
"You have to understand how hard it is to work with David Gest," he groans. "He is weird. Seriously nuts. No doubt about that.
"I'm on the panel to find two big stars and make my show a success. It's a serious business. Millions of pounds and my reputation is on the line.
"But right in the middle of the auditioning process David Gest suddenly decides to tell bizarre stories about his maid, Vaginika Semen.
"I don't believe a word - it worries me that he believes his tales."
And David hasn't finished yet: "His judging is utter madness. He sees a 55-year-old with a beer belly who can't sing a note and tells them they're 'interesting' before sending them to the next round.
BUT at the next stage he changes his mind and says they're rubbish. So I have to remind him to look at his notes to prove that he wrote 'shows great promise'. Bonkers.
"Would I go for dinner with him and my family? No, dinner might be a bit long. I'd have a glass of champagne with him, maybe. But only if I could drink the rest of the bottle because I'd definitely need it."
Ouch! Surely he gets on better with the other judges, 80s pop star Sinitta and choreographer Brian Friedman? Er, it seems not.
"Sinitta's a perfectly nice girl," shrugs 46-year-old David. "But when she turns up in increasingly weird outfits I wonder, 'Are you thinking about what you're doing today or what you're wearing today?'
"She needs to stop getting carried away with the other judges and start thinking about the job in hand."
Not that David doesn't take great care of his own appearance. He has the dazzling smile of a leading man - he once played Joseph for Bill Kenwright, who is one of the judges on the BBC's rival talent show, Any Dream Will Do, along with another old friend and collaborator, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
HIS hair is so lacquered it wouldn't budge in a hurricane and his tan screams "fake". Has being on primetime TV made him a teensy bit vain?
"No way, I've always been vain," he laughs. "My hair's always been like this but it's very grey - not jet-black like David Gest's who is the master of dye. But I've never used fake tan.
"Well, only once when I was in the Rocky Horror Show but that was for the role.
"I have homes in France and Spain and I love being in the sunshine, so that's where the tan's from - not a bottle."
All that male grooming is paying off. Some of the Grease Is The Word contestants have developed crushes on the married father of two, even planting wet kisses on his lips on the show.
"Ah, bless those girls," says David. "My wife Tracy roars laughing to hear that I'm considered a sex symbol. But although it's hilarious it's a bit flattering, too."
David met Tracy when they were co-starring in Goldilocks, a panto in Eastbourne in 1989. "I was Baby Bear and she was the chief dancer," he explains. "We hit it off immediately. She put up with me being single for five years, then I came to my senses and married her."
He is clearly very proud of his family. Photos of Tracy and their children - Emily, 10, and eight-year-old James - line the shelves of his plush office in London's Mayfair.
"Emily is starting stage school in September," he says. "And James is showing all the early signs of being a good producer.
"He asks all the right questions about how to secure the rights to shows and organise publicity posters. He saw the Little Shop Of Horrors recently, pointed to an actor in it and said, 'Dad, he'd be great in Grease' - and he was right. Kids are right on the button when it comes to knowing who's hot."
STILL, James will have a long way to go to match his dad's incredible success.
In 1990, David and Paul Nicholas produced a one-off performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. He made a £45,000 profit and decided to concentrate on producing instead of acting.
Three years later he took out a second mortgage to finance the West End production of Grease, which still plays to sell-out houses across the globe.
Now, as chairman of Live Nation - a US-based firm which oversees 50 theatres worldwide - he is considered more influential even than Lord Webber.
The pair collaborated on How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? and bankrolled the £4 million West End production which stars its winner, Connie Fisher. It has been so successful that he expects to see a double return on his money.
Today home is a plush mansion in leafy Buckinghamshire, but life hasn't always been so luxurious for David. Born in Ilford, Essex, he had a happy but humble childhood.
"Dad worked on the railways and mum washed the football shirts of the local team so she could afford to send me to nursery," he says. "But we never considered ourselves poor. I'm glad nothing was handed to me on a plate - it's made me the hard worker I am today."
Sadly, his mum Jean didn't live to see his success. She died in her late 50s, eight years ago.
"Losing mum so young is the tragedy of my life," he says. "When I started producing we worked out of my front room, just me and mum - she did all the secretarial work. Now on opening nights I always say to dad: 'Imagine what mum would have thought of all this.'
"She died of a brain tumour. My son was entering the world in one bedroom, and mum was leaving it in the next room. I was so annoyed about that.
"Running marathons for Macmillan Cancer Support - their nurses cared for her - helped me get that out of my system.
"That's why I'm glad some of the proceeds from the show's phone-in goes to that charity.
"Mum was ill for two years before she died. I took her to hospital for all the 50 bouts of radiotherapy she endured. And I was with her when she passed.
"All of that still haunts me - the nightmares are horrific. Despite any success I may have, if I got a call saying one of my family was ill I'd drop everything to be right there.
"Hit shows and new Sandys and Dannys may seem immensely important right now. But nothing means more to me than family. iMAX jetThey are what keeps me going."
Grease Is The Word is on ITV1 tonight at 6.40pm.
Julie.Mccaffrey@Mirror.Co.Uk
