Behind the scenes on The X Factor
Sitting in The X Factor audition room, waiting for the next poor sod to walk through the swing doors and stand on the silver X and stare down at Simon, Sharon, Louis and now Dannii - all I can report to you is that the reality is far, far more brutal than what is seen on TV.
A rare chance to go behind the scenes on the ITV1 show during auditions in Birmingham took me into the holding room, where anxious contestants awaited their call-up, then into the green room where Simon Cowell was blow drying his hair and then finally into the dreaded audition room itself.
You can listen here to my report on the day - including interviews with Simon Cowell himself and Louis Walsh - to get you in the mood for the show. And here's a photo gallery giving you a peek behind the scenes.
I would like to tell you that watching the good people of Birmingham fronting up and having a go taught me about such stuff as dreams are made of - but in real life it was much more about the power of nightmares.
Of all the contestants I spent time with that day - and there were quite a few - I thought that one had perhaps a chance to making it on the strength of his singing - until Simon bluntly drew attention to what he termed "your personality issue".
One of the first up in front of the judges was Emma, a 25-year-old pub and club singer, who in my total ignorance I actually thought was reasonably good. Not so. She over-sang, was criticised, got lippy and then pretty much turfed out and accused of dressing like a ****. "Take care of your voice," new judge Danii Minogue tried to advise kindly.
Then there was Albert. I had long suspected that there was an element of a set-up with some acts that appeared on this programme. But cheery Albert dispelled all of that. Coming in he was all smiles, wearing his woollen vest and flat cap and looking 10 years older than his 35 years. His exit, shoulders drooping, after his attempt at of Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday was one of the longest, loneliest, saddest walkouts I have seen.
But minutes later, outside with his friends, he had bounced back. He had "thoroughly enjoyed" his time on the X Factor, such as it was, and was full of plans for his theatre group.
I had always thought that only Jesus and Elvis were referred to by their first names, but on The X Factor there is Simon.
Mr Cowell was, as is his apparent habit, the last of the judges to arrive. In real life he seems slightly shorter than on TV but with an even bigger chest, if that is humanly possibly. Calm and considered, he promised "I'll be honest with you" that this year the judges would check their egos at the door and this year it would be all about the contestants.
Little could he know (in fact, knowing Simon, he probably did know) that not 30 minutes earlier Louis Walsh had already been scheming how he and Sharon would form an alliance against Simon and Dannii.
Producing a modern TV programme like is a colossal undertaking, the 21st century equivalent of the great cotton mills of the north, involving hundreds of black-clad production assistants welded to their head sets running this way and that. The results will be on Saturday nights on ITV1 from here until Christmas.
I'm just sorry that on screen you'll miss the little slices of life such as the executive producer shouting at Simon to "get a move on" and Fearne Cotton shedding her vintage red frock and standing in the green room in her petticoat.
Watch out for 17-year-old Kimberley, who'd decided that Simon was going to be her "boyfriend" with predictable results. She sang country and western for the judges in memory of her late brother. But it wasn't enough, and she was heading for the exit doors until a 20 second burst of Show Me Heaven forced the judges to utterly change their minds and send her to bootcamp.
Up in Birmingham all human life was there - and they choose to put themselves through it.
All we can to do is watch.
guardian
