BB FANS

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with
the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold
wax" kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand,
they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this
out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across
my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
xtraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!...

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may
pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing
drums???
Breathe, breathe..................

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my
foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down.

Sealed shut!

My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What
can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into
the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I
can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to
the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in
the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of
how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and
hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she
does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax
is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to
the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty
sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......