BB FANS

Well I would like to ask for some advice here.

I always hear other women say that they 'loved' being pregnant and that their childbirth was so 'easy' but I had a hard time and I'm dreading the thought of going through all that again.

But I'm almost 40 so I have to do it again soon or I will be too old. Time is of the essence and we have to decide whether we can have another baby or not. We both want to have another baby but I'm so scared of the terrible pain that I had the last time and not sure if I can face it for a second time.

I spent over 50 hours in labour and there are no words that can explain how painful it was.

Does anyone know any way to deal with this better? I'd like to find some self-help books that might help me to deal with the pain (of childbirth)

Any ideas? Thank you in advance - we have to do it soon or not at all but I'm so scared of going through that again...

I'm probably the worst person to ask in a way. My problems started when my second child was a few weeks old and my husband left. My greatest fear is that that happening all over again and it puts me off having a another child as I couldn't bear to live through that twice. My labours were both very easy. My second being only 4 hours and I spent only 20 minutes at hospital before he was born. I was terrified the baby was going to be born in my friends husband's new car. Neither of us had a phone and we were driving so fast I thought I was gonna barf (again on the new seats lol) I do however remember saying to my friend who was with me at the time ''you forget the pain, I forgot how much this hurts!'' and her saying ''It's just as well really isn't it!'' I had no pain releif at all with my second simply because there was no time but the second labour was so fast I remember being really scared because I had no control at all it was all happening so incredibly fast. I can empathise with your fears though. My fear was that if I had a third it would be born so quickly I would end up having it on the pavement or in a shop or something.
However there is nothing like the joy of having done it. That moment when it's all over and the baby is born and if you really want another child then try (and I know it's hard) to think beyond the nightmare of the labour. can you explain it all to the midwife and ask for an eppidural as soon as possible. Apparently they are a wonder drug. Maybe even write it down so that if you're not in a position to talk about it at the time you could just hadn the letter over? it would be a great shame to miss out on another wanted child though I can fully empathise. There's no explaining it is there? It's completely overwhelming and amazing and something one relives over and over again. Sometimes when I can't get to sleep I think about when I had my babies and how amazing it was. Sorry for waffling on. maybe writing it all down would be cathartic. I did say to begin with I was probably the worst person to ask. I think it's just such an emotional experience. I'll shut up now. I would say to you, go for it and talk to your doctor/midwife about your labour concerns. Oh and I swam 4 times a week with my second. I'm certain that made the labour much easier. I may be wrong but that's my personal experience. Strong muscles and all that. Who knows really. I doubt 2 labours are ever the same. Didn't I say I'd shut up a while back?.....

I've learnt something about parenthood, now that my children are towards the end of their teens, and I believe the same principle can be applied to childbirth - i.e. everyone's experience is different, and no matter how hard you try to do it 'right', you can't guarantee a specific outcome. But at the end of the day, things usually work out o.k.

When I was first pregnant, I REALLY wanted to get the most from the whole experience, and I went into serious 'preparation mode'. I read books and practiced breathing and visualisation etc etc etc.

Then I went into labour. My labour was quite short - 10 hours or so. But I have to say I had/have no desire to experience anything like that again. Yes, when the child came out, it was all wonderful, but if you could choose an 'instant option', I'd have it any day. Now, I know there are some fortunate women who enjoyed their labours. But I truly believe they are fortunate, not skilled, or accomplished, or of the right frame of mind. I was expecting labour to be an awesome experience...

I didn't really have pain relief on my first baby (some 'stuff' was giving to me - that 'gas', which works for some people, and I suppose it must have helped a bit, but...).

I felt a bit unwell for a while after the birth.

So, suffice to say I had no interest in going through another labour. So what do I do, 3 months after giving birth? Yes, that's right - I get pregnant again - deliberately. That's 'cos I liked being a mother, and giving birth again would mean I'd another summer off to spend with my existing child. Funny logic, perhaps.

But the second time, as soon as I'd worked out I was in labour, I planned to get to the hospital in time to get an epidural. Yes, I'd always been a little concerned about getting such a procedure - but the memory of the pain of the previous year was too great.

I got the epidural, and this time labour and giving birth was completely different. I thought that having the pain numbed might mean I missed out on some of the experience of childbirth (and I suppose that's true), but in reality, I felt I was more aware. Rather than focussing on nothing but the pain, I was able to focus on what was happening, and although I couldn't feel a lot, I was 'active' in the latter stages, as we'd been taught what to do at each stage.

After the second birth, I recovered more quickly. Probably just one of those things, but I'd expected that the epidural would have taken a toll on my system, but it didn't.

If people can avoid epidurals, great. That was just my experience.

I have heard it said that second labours are usually shorter and easier than first ones, so hopefully the second one should be better.

I would do as BBoop suggested and speak to someone about your fears, so they are aware. Also, toning up your muscles sounds like a good idea and make sure that you are eating healthily and leading a healthy lifestyle, so your body is in the best possible state it can be in.

Maybe even research on the Internet to see if there are ways in which you can help towards the labour e.g. I know some people use raspberry leaf, but I have no idea if it is effective or not. There is another article about herbs in pregnancy HERE and that also says

The main thing is though, try not to worry about it, because worrying takes away a lot of nutrients and your health will suffer. I know it is easier said than done, but try to think positive.

Good luck!

Wow. I'm feeling a bit emotional reading the responses here. It's really kind of you to answer in such detail. Bboop, you can 'waffle' all you want, I'm just grateful to read your 'waffle' I need all the information I can get!

GerbilGranny I know what you mean too and Christine, I really understand what you mean.

I think what I'm getting from this is that you would recommend thinking about an epidural?

Maybe that would be the thing to do. I went through a 50 hour labour without any pain relief. I don't know why. I just thought it would be easier than it actually was and by the time I asked for pain relief it was too late. It was Christmas day and there were no staff around, I felt like I was neglected tbh. At one point I asked for a hot bath (to help ease the pain) and as I got out, I fell onto the floor and couldn't get up. The (horrible) nurse was obviously irritated and told me that I was an 'attention seeker'.

I mean I was lying on a dirty hospital floor, completely naked, 9 months pregnant and the bathroom door was open so that anyone walking by could see me. How would anybody ever want that kind of attention? I'm still really bitter and angry about that. I didn't want 'attention' I wanted privacy and pain relief! She actually wandered off to find a wheelchair and left the bathroom door wide open while I was lying on the floor. It was Christmas day and there was loads of kids running around and peeking in the door looking at me as the hospital pantomime had just finished.

GerbilGranny, I know what you mean about the relief when it's over. My son had cysts on his brain (we saw them in the scan) and we were told he might have a fatal disease (Edwards syndrome) and during the pregnancy I was really worried about that but the second that he was born, all I could think about was 'Thank God the pain is over' and I didn't even think about anything other than that. When they handed him to me I just passed him to my partner because all I cared about at that point was 'thank God the pain is over' How selfish eh? I didn't care about anything other than 'I did it' the 'pain is over now' and 'thank God that the pain is over'.

Obviously I love my son but at that point the only thing that I could think of was that I wanted the pain to end and nothing else mattered but that the pain was over.

I'd be really interested to know more about epidurals?

Thank you again for the replies. I'm very grateful to you.

I've had three babies and three completely different births. The first was forceps delivery, with an epidural - complete nightmare time - 16 hours labour, the second was 6 hours labour, no pain relief, no forceps, unbelievable pain at the time, but on reflection the best experience, because of the quick recovery time after the birth and the third was an emergency c section, after a very traumatic difficult pregnancy. This one was the worst in terms of pain after the birth and stress levels.

As GG says, everyone's experience is different. I would suggest if this is something you really want to do, you should go for it, otherwise you may spend the rest of your life regretting it. Don't worry about your age, my sister is 43 and is expecting her 3rd child next month and a friend of mine is 39 and expecting her first child next month also. Try and write down exactly what it is you are frightened of, discuss it with your midwife and obstetrician and decide in advance the exact pain relief you want and how would like the labour to be handled. Being in control was a big deal for me as I felt that if I was in control, then I could handle anything. Of course that all went out the window with the first labour pain lol.

I also think it is important to realise how awful giving birth can be. Too many people gloss over it, saying you will forget it all when you have the baby in your arms, well 11 years on from the first one, I still haven't forgotten, BUT even though you may not forget, I think, the pain is worth it.

Just saw your post Spex. An epidural is fine, just make sure you have it early enough, but I would suggest you do not have pethidene (sp), it's horrible, made me violently ill during the labour (my first child)and also made me very disorientated and I kept falling asleep and then waking up, during a labour pain and not having a clue where I was or what was happening. You can have an epidural these days, which cuts out most of the pain but still gives you feeling in your legs, which I think is good, as you feel a bit more human and can get to the loo with some help.

I had a similar experience as you with my first and last pregnancies, in respect of not feeling much for the baby immediately after birth. I remember looking into my daughter's cot after the first birth, grateful that she was asleep as I really didn't feel human enough to be able to feed or change her and just lying there, in a kind of shock at the experience I had just gone through. It took a few days to feel maternal feelings but they did come through thankfully.

Good luck xx

Wise words. Thank You I will do that and take your advice here.

Damn right! I havent' forgotten the pain. I will never forget that pain and yet I'd do it again right now if that was the cost to have my beautiful baby boy. I love him so much and I would give my life for him (suffering that pain again is only a step behind ) I desperately want to give him a sibling but I'm terrified of facing that much pain again, sadly what is the choice?

I'm so scared of facing that pain again but at my age (almost 40) I don't have the luxury of waiting. We have to do it soon if we want to do it at all.

I can't thank you guys enough for helping me here. Thank You.

any anecdotes about epidurals?

I have always had an opinion that if you're able to have kids in a natural way - the best age is somewhere between 20 to 30 years old. You manage better in that certain age for example being sleepless with small child/children. When you're in you 40's things gets complicated to accept certain changes in your life that child brings into a family. You'd never know...

But anyway - these days women gets older before they think it's right time for a kid (career, financy etc.) or they try to get their 'evening star' after they are too old to get an adopted child instead of biological one or they are too old to be a foster parent. And in a psychological point of view - it's sometimes age when a couple is trying to save their empty home and sometimes their relationship with a newborn baby. And I wonder is it a tabu to talk about that women gets older and loose their ability to get biological children of their own - it's a terrible time of the crisis that men don't ever face.

Just been seen how some women gets and how their lives changes radically in a one way or another when they're in their 40's.

But - this wasn't any answer at all Spex - I was just wondering how the life could be because I'm still in my 30's.

Ellie did answer you well - so you'd better talk about it, you'll get help, if you'll just ask. There're also different ways of delivering a child - but for example a surgical way have always high risk of complications. If you make a decision that you don't want a biological child, you should try an adoption or to be a foster parent. Pregnancies and deliveries are different with different women, like you've been told above. I've told somewhere in this Forum about my experiences, so I won't repeat them right now, because I respect medical science in every way - if something gets wrong, but mostly I do believe of the facts of naturality - in this case too - and in my case too, twice. Giving a birth is hard and it hurts - being a pregnant could be the same, too - these are the facts and women just has to live with this information. That's why men don't get children - men just could not bear it at all.

I have two epidural anecdotes for you Spex, though am not sure if they will be of much help. In my first labour, I was very frightened, I hadn't really realised it would hurt quite so much and I was also younger and not so confident, so would have gone along with anything a strong minded midwife would push me into. I had gas and air to start with, then pethidene, then the epidural. I think the pethidene may have mucked me up a bit psycologically, as it took a while for me to appreciate the effects of the epidural. After the pethidene had worn off, I was too distraught at it's effects to appreciate that I wasn't in that much pain anymore. I could only see that on reflecting back after the event, but other mother's who I know who have had epidurals, highly recommend them and said their births were easier because of them. Generally the epidural is set up, so it starts to wear off a bit at the actual time of birth, so that you can feel when you have to push.

Someone above, I think possibly Bboop, said about getting the epidural on time and this is important. Don't leave it too long. I went into labour with my second child and stayed at home for the first 5 hours (we decided on a boys name, whilst I sat in the bath at 5 am, we were so convinced it was a girl that we hadn't talked about boy's names at all until that moment....sorry Matthew lol), anyway, I digress, we got to the hospital and I asked for an epidural as soon as we arrived. The anaesthetist who did the epidurals was in an emergency operation and so I was told, rightly so, I would have to wait until he was finished. By the time he came into the room, the midwife had just told me, in response to my constant screams of 'I WANNA EPIDURAL, NOW!" that it was too late, that the baby was about to be born, so the poor anaesthetist got it in the neck from me and left the room hurriedly to a torrent of abuse. I did apologise to him afterwards lol. Our son was born 2 minutes later and the great thing about not having an epidural was that I instantly felt normal, well once I had had been stitched up and had a bath.

So it might be worthwhile you finding out whether or not there is more than one anaesthetist on duty in your hospital and also if there is one specific to the labour ward. Perhaps you could even ask if you could meet with one beforehand to discuss your needs. But definitely don't leave it to late to ask! The pain relief is there for a reason and although I generally try not to be sexist, I do believe that if men were to give birth, it would have already been made completely painless and trauma free.

I could have written the last paragraph of Ellie's post myself!

The second time I went into labour, I made sure I got to the hospital early enough so that if I felt the need of an epidural, I could have one. Epidurals are very common these days, for all sorts of surgical procedures, where it's deemed preferable to a general anaesthetic. First time around, I had hoped to avoid an epidural - because (a) I was a little worried about the 'risks', and (b) I was an earth mother - I was going to open up like a flower and feel at one with the universe, during this awesome thing called childbirth.

With an epidural or a general anaesthetic, there are 'risks' (very, very rarely something goes wrong). But how many people undergo operations without one or the other? And how many people do we all know who've been fine, afterwards.

And as for being an earth mother - well, how you treat the child for the next 18 (or is it 40?) years is the vital thing. How, or even whether, a woman gives birth to a child does not determine what kind of mother she'll be. A child needs a parent, male or female, who can provide security and unconditional love - that's what matters.

Ooops...ranting...sorry, back to the epidural...

I had to keep still for a little while, while they administer the epidural, and I got a bit shaky for a few minutes, at first. After that, it was fine.

I'm afraid I went for a top-up, too, even though I could probably have done without it - but in the anti-natal classes I attended during my first pregnancy, we had a fantastic physiotherapist (complete with her legendary 'knitted uterus' - for demonstration purposes), who really explained things well, and taught us to practice our 'moves', in the event of us having an epidural - it could be a case that you can't feel the result of your pushing, but if you know what to do, it works out fine. I didn't need to have a forceps delivery - the physio had explained that there's a higher instance of that with an epidural.

I went to a large maternity hospital - the oldest maternity hospital in the world! - and so there wasn't a problem with availability of anaesthetists.

As for having a baby in one's forties - well, lots of women do, and while medically, the 'risks' are higher, these women are closely monitored.

Yes, it makes sense that someone under 30 may have more energy for sleepless nights, and my children were born before I was 30. BUT I noticed that older mothers had a more 'healthy' outlook on lots of things, as regards parenting, when my children started school. Maybe it had something to do with appreciating what's really important, or perhaps they were more content than the younger women, but a few I met were fantastic parents.