Oh joy as Kate foxtrots off
Moments before her dazz ling victory, ecstatic Alesha Dixon cuddled up to her pro partner Matthew Cutler and declared: "I want Matt to be able to say I did it with Alesha."
That'll be the day! But well done Ms Dixon. You thoroughly deserved to win. Now let's pause and remember the girl who deserved to lose.
And back by unpopular demand it's Calamity Kate Garraway and her two left feet.
Great to see GMTV's fairy elephant dancing as well as ever as she staggered back into the ballroom for last night's grand reunion.
Attempting a courageous shoulder lift, Kate's long suffering pro partner Anton Du Beke hoisted her into the air and looked exhausted.
The desperate duo's p*ss poor pasa doble was like a bad trip down bitter memory lane. A recurring nightmare come back to haunt us. "I was getting better and better", insisted deluded Garraway until Kenny Logan placed his hand over her mouth to shut her up. "It's over," he whispered.
He's right Kate.
Time to Foxtrot Oscar.
But the Beeb's super slick Strictly Come Dancing finale was a characteristically classy production that brought down the curtain on a series that wiped the dance floor with its pantomime ITV rival the X Factor.
With amazing grace former Mis-teeq singer Alesha - Strictly's brilliant answer to Rhydian - waltzed all over Matt Di Angelo and left him in a dance hall daze.
EastEnders star Matt had done so well he could hardly Adam and Eve he'd lost. But he never really stood a chance. At least the right contestant won.
And we were spared another Leon-style nonsense result.
But it wasn't all wonderful.
Pursuing her pathetic penchant for pea-brained puns, old boiler judge Arlene Phillips lost the plot, forgot what she was saying and following an excruciating extended pause ended up spouting off about Matt being a "suitable perthon" to be in the final.
And what's with her weird jerky arm movements? Is there something wrong with her?
That cha cha cha was a "gnat's scrotum better than the last one", added Len Goodman with a lovely turn of phrase. And token funny foreigner Bruno Tonioli's titanic struggle with the English language gets more Carry On Comical by the day.
Heaping praise on Matt and Flavia, barmy Bruno squealed:
"I love the way they play with each other." Beautifully put.
That's why he gets big bucks.
But back to the climax of this astonishingly successful show.
And, after watching Victoria Beckham's arrhythmic spasms during star guests the Spice Girls' rendition of 2 Become 1, I owe Ms Garraway an apology.
Kate, you're not the worst dancer in the world. You're the second worst.
Chronicling the transformation of a load of lead footed B-listers into top notch ballroom performers, this glitteringly camp competition captivates the nation. Jeremy Paxman was in the audience, for God's sake!
I hope Bruce Forsyth returns next year. But the old trouper looks as tired as his awful jokes.
Now the party's over. Time to slide into ITV's deep frozen rival (Strictly Come) Dancing On Ice. It's the same. Only colder.
Mirrror
