McCanns' regrets over night Maddy vanished
Ryan Parry in Praia Da Luz, Portugal
Gerry McCann has told how he blames himself for daughter Madeleine's disappearance and confessed he fears he may never see her again.
Riddled with guilt, the distraught dad said he wished he'd never gone out for a meal with friends and left the youngster asleep in their apartment on that fateful night last May.
And his GP wife Kate is convinced a vile predator was stalking the family in the days before four-year-old Madeleine vanished.
Gerry poured out his anguish in an interview with Vanity Fair journalist Judy Bachrach. In a series of emotional outbursts, he also hit back at claims that he and Kate were responsible for their daughter's disappearance.
GERRY BLAMES HIMSELF
Gerry said: "I wish I hadn't gone to the tapas bar. I wish I'd stayed in the apartment that night. I wish I'd stayed in the room when I checked on her five minutes longer."
During one phone call to his sister Philomena McCann, he sobbed: "It's all my fault, because Kate and I went out to dinner." Philomena, 43, said: "I have never heard my wee brother so devastated.
"He was wailing on the phone. He was incomprehensible at times.
"My wee brother is not a person who panics. He and Kate are very measured people, usually. That's when I knew how bad things were."
But Gerry still refuses to accept he and Kate acted irresponsibly.
He snapped: "At the time we did it, it was not irresponsible.
"Of course we feel guilty about not having been there and that is just something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives.
"You are not asking anything we don't think about on a daily basis. We live this 24 hours a day."
WAS SOMEONE WATCHING?
Family friend Jon Corner told how Kate is certain a paedophile or kidnapper was watching their apartment in Praia da Luz.
He said: "In August, I was with Kate in Portugal. She told me 'I wish I could roll back time and go back to the day before Madeleine was abducted.
'I would slow down time. I would get a really good look around and have a really good think. And I'd think: Where are you? Who are you? Who is secretly watching my family? Because someone was watching my family very carefully. And taking notes."
Gerry added: "That's a logical conclusion for anyone who knows about what happened to us."
WE'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN
Gerry now fears his daughter may be dead. He said: "I know now, probably, the chances of getting Madeleine back are slim. You know it's difficult. Very difficult. You might never see her again. But still you have hope. Still."
BEING MADE ARGUIDOS
Kate was accused of accidentally killing Madeleine and Gerry of helping to dispose her body. They insist they are innocent.
Gerry's sister Trish Cameron, 47, who was in the villa at the time, recalled the moment detective Ricardo Paiva called to tell them they were suspects. He asked Kate: "Do you have something to tell us?" She replied: "No. Do you have something to tell us?" He nodded. "Yes. You are being made arguidos."
Trish said Kate flew into a fury and screamed at the officer: "Do you honestly believe that I would murder my own child?"
The policeman replied: "No."
Gerry was equally angry and asked the detective to leave. He said: "Why shoot the messenger? I felt saying anything more was not going to change what happened."
GERRY & KATE'S GRIEF
Gerry describes how his world was suddenly "all black, with maybe tiny points of light," in the days after Madeleine vanished. And he tried to block any thought their little girl was dead out of his mind. He said: "We can't cry our eyes out every day because that's not helping.
"So after three days I picked myself up...quicker than Kate could.
"Grief washes over you. It's like a big wave, mostly I was able to beat it back."
Gerry also revealed fragile Kate wakes in the night and thinks Madeleine has come home.
He added: "That is true. It's difficult to describe this situation. One month, three months, five months, five and a half months."
THE SLURS
Portuguese newspapers launched a hate campaign against the McCanns and police accused them of unspeakable acts.
Gerry screamed: "Kate killed her in frenzy, Madeleine was sedated by us, she fell down the stairs, in which case you would have thought they'd have found her body. I've heard all that.
What I want to know is, who told them all that?"
He is dismayed at how public opinion seems to have turned against them recently.
He added: "People can support you in your darkest hours, and our darkest hour was of course when Madeleine went missing. Now it is just bleak."
KATE AND THE COPS
When Kate was told by her lawyer if she confessed to killing Madeleine she would only get a two year jail sentence, she screamed: "I'm not going to f*****g lie?"
MADELEINE'S EYE
Gerry fears Madeleine's unique right eye could put her in danger.
He said whoever snatched the child now held a recognisable girl and could take her life. But he still believed her distinctive iris could also help trace her.
He added: "We thought it was possible this could hurt her. Her abductor might do something to her eye. But in marketing terms it was a good ploy."
Gerry's sister Trish said the McCanns were initially reluctant to leave Praia da Luz.
She said: "They lived in dread that if Madeleine turned up in Portugal and they weren't there, it would be horrible."
Gerry's interview is in the UK February edition of Vanity Fair, out tomorrow.
Mirror
