The Voice – X Factor without the ... x factor BBC1’s continuity woman, the tease that she is, had this little tempter for us last Saturday night: “A sensational new twist now... on The Voice.”
BBC1’s continuity woman, the tease that she is, had this little tempter for us last Saturday night: “A sensational new twist now... on The Voice.”
So I watched as the live shows began. And I waited. And waited. And, a week later, I’m still waiting for it.
I’m sat here wearing the same clothes, much like the contestants, hosts and coaches on Sunday’s results show, and can only assume that I’ve missed the obvious.
In a sensational new twist, they’ve turned the show into the one thing, according to its own publicity, that it definitely is not – The X Factor.
Except it’s The X Factor minus any moment of light relief, fun or “little Lenny Henry’s”, and channelling what Psychic Sally Morgan might suggest is the ghost of Fame Academy.
But before we delve into the obvious comparisons, Holly “let’s get it AWN!” Willoughby had to explain the format like it was a new branch of particle physics: “Your votes will guarantee that three acts from each team will stay in the competition. But that will leave Tim and Tom and Will with two artists in a danger.”
Which begs the question: “Who’s Tim?”
So Tom Jones, legend that he undoubtedly is, decided to move swiftly on: “Live television is not like recorded television. It’s like sky diving.”
At which point I pulled the emergency cord and realised this series has no second back-up parachute.
It’s all about the voice? It’s all about the blind auditions.
And, now they’re a distant memory, it’s going to hell in a handcart packed with a vast majority of underwhelmingly average singers, flanked by backing dancers.
But, of course, they’re papering over the X Factor-shaped cracks with hype.
Danny O’Donoghue to Sam Buttery, who was voted out after blustering around the stage to Erasure’s A Little Respect while impersonating what appeared to be seven different pop stars simultaneously: “That was a timeless performance.”
Holly Willoughby: “He’s our very own guitar hero, it’s Adam Isaac,” who was more like Adam Sandler, in The Wedding Singer.
Will.i.am: “Jaz Ellington is the second coming of singing.”
“The world needs a group like Matt and Sueleen.”
And Jessie J, who’d already described the show as “a process” like she was Karren ruddy Brady on The Apprentice, to Tom’s bottom two acts: “The standard is so high that even if you go home, it’s the beginning of a massive opportunity.” Or, indeed, the end of one.
Suitably, though, X Factor jargon was the language of choice.
Joelle Moses: “I feel like I need to own it.”
Will.i.am: “You nailed it.”
Holly: “Tom, you took Leanne out of her comfort zone with that song.”
And Danny was using American Idol judge Randy Jackson’s Big Book of Music Critique, telling no fewer than four singers last weekend that they were “pitchy”.
If anything, Sunday’s show, pre-recorded the night before, was even worse (“We’ve had a tweet from Gok Wan!” no less) with the coaches walking a tightrope of continuity to make it appear live.
Tom: “I thought they were all strong last night.”
(Keep up the pretence...)
Reggie Yates in the needless “V-room”: “Loads of you noticed throughout Saturday’s show that will.i.am was tweeting.”
(Keep up the pretence...)
Danny O’Donoghue: “Sophie killed it tonight.”
Ooh. No cigar.
And now 18 remain in the competition, with the first casualty being Sam Buttery, which leaves me with this simple gift of an assessment of what’s to come.
Buttery’s not included.
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