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Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Best 2012 Presidential Election One-Liners
The 47%. Binders full of women. Bayonets and horses. The jokes this election season have practically written themselves.
Luckily, we've got Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert on hand to see them through to their punchlines.
The respective hosts of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report take down Mitt Romney and Barack Obama -- as well as the bombastic cable news pundits covering their campaigns -- on a nightly basis.
Jon Stewart
"Here's what happens to me sometimes. Sometimes I'll go on stage after having an open-face turkey sandwich and a shot of Nyquil, and halfway through I'll look up and go, 'Are we on?'" Ribbing Obama for his performance in the first debate
"Do you know how hard it is to make volunteering at a homeless shelter look like a negative thing?" On Paul Ryan's soup kitchen photo op
"[He] fired Big Bird, America's favorite non-fried bird. Romney could have waterboarded Aladdin, put down Blue, deported Dora the Explorer, and he still would have won." On Obama's lackluster showing during debate no. 1
"Settle down, Eskimo Annie Oakley . . . We get it, you live in Alaska." On Sarah Palin comparing Joe Biden's VP debate performance to a "musk-ox running across the tundra"
"Did you know that the human ******, besides being able to repel rape sperm, can be used as a Wi-Fi hotspot?" Sharing fun, "science"-based facts following Todd Akin's assertion that women's bodies can shut down "legitimate rape"
"Hey, binder full of women, book of broads, notebook of nipples . . . Whatever!" On Mitt Romney's remark during the second debate that a search committee provided him with "binders full of women" to fill government posts
"This is the most joy I've gotten from an old man since Dick Cheney non-fatally shot one in the face." On Clint Eastwood's empty chair speech at the RNC
"Obama just lost the Civil War re-enactment vote." Tweeting about Obama's "bayonets and horses" zinger
Stephen Colbert
"Why didn’t our consulate have more security? Why was the intelligence so slow to come out? And more importantly, if you put a statement in the form of a question, is that journalism?" Mimicking Fox News' coverage of the Libya controversy post-debate
"Now, I'm Tivo-ing it, so nobody tell me if the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass." Discussing the third presidential debate
"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you'll be rescued by private sector volunteers like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already-clean pots." On Mitt's anti-FEMA stance -- and his potential VP's embarrassing soup kitchen visit
"To my fellow Republicans, I am not sure if you are aware of this, but in 1920, women got the right to vote. Since then, rape's approval rating has plummeted." On pro-life candidates' recent gaffes
"Together, I like to call these guys 'Team Rape.' Which they probably wouldn't appreciate, but, come on . . . They're kind of asking for it." On Todd Akin, Steve King, Tom Smith, Richard Rivar and Richard Murdock
"And he achieved plausible! Millions of Americans looked at Mitt Romney last night and said, 'He looks like he could sit in an oval room.'" On a Fox News correspondent's review of Romney's "plausible" debate performance
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"Yeah, f--k the planet!" On Romney's comment that President Obama "promised to slow the rise of oceans and heal the planet," but his personal focus is "to help you and your family"
"Please Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same rules . . . Except at the end, the rich people flip over the board and say, 'I win!'" On Obama's critique of the right's approach to government
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